Thursday, 10 February 2011

Returning Memories

"Mobilise her!", I clearly recall this being the instruction given to the Midwife in the hospital the morning after the disaster.  I looked at the Midwife, puzzled, and she looked back.  Once the Doctor who had performed the 'obs' and given his orders had left the room the Midwife turned to me and said "Personally I believe that you have been mobile enough considering the amount of pacing you did yesterday while you we in labour, but we shouldn't argue with Doctors should we?".  No, I don't suppose we should.

These memories of the days while I was in hospital and others have started to come back to me.  The way they tried to reassure me that I had to 'get the babies out'.  The memories come back in other ways too, taste, feel, smells, sounds.  I remember the pain of the IV in my hand, the cool feeling as they injected the strong antibiotics into it, into me, then the smell and the taste as they proliferated through my system. 

One that refuses to return are the moments after they told me that Vincenzo's heart had stopped.  I remember calling my BH and crying as I told him as well as looking at all the other women waiting for their happy appointments.  I remember the other pregnant ladies looking at me as I spoke on the mobile, I must have looked crazy, fearful because their stares were all at me.  I remember I turned away from them.  I can't remember the walk over to the Bereavement Delivery Suite.  To this day remember vaguely that there was a Midwife/Nurse with me but I cannot remember how we got there and if we spoke, I don't remember arriving in the yellow room.  Maybe that will also come back, though I am not sure I want it to.

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