Monday, 30 December 2013

Last post of the year and time for reflection

We are currently sitting two days away from 36 weeks, the twins are healthy and weigh over 2kg each.  We await their arrival any day now so this will be one of the final posts I make, this chapter is drawing to a close and I feel that their birth will be a good place to finish writing.

Everything is ready and and my milk has come in as well so I have a good stock frozen and waiting for them as well.

Nursery ready and waiting with our excellent Bunkcots!
It has taken such a very long time to get to this point and now its here I still have trouble grasping that these babies will come home but even as our dreams come true I am constantly found by others who reach out to me for help with their tales of sadness, of course I respond to every single one and offer help where I can. 

Sunday, 17 November 2013

Time for a Belly Pic?

I have been writing about the losses of my sons and challenges of having some 'take home' babies for approaching three years now and this weekend visits to my blog hit 100,000 from all over the world.

T at 30 weeks - looking bumpy!

I think that deserves a belly pic of T who at 30+4 days gets very little sleep due to my two very active and happy boys kicking and tickling her from the inside, she tried getting on all fours to make more space but this just got them more excited.  She tells me it saddens her that I cannot lie awake at night and experience how wonderful it is to feel them but for me the wonder is knowing that she can, that they are well and safe.  During today they discovered her kidneys and lungs!

That is the wonder of surrogacy.  Finding someone who you literally trust your entire future with and don't even mind when you miss out on the pregnancy stuff!

On the other hand I have my own challenges.  The induction of the milk is coming on marvellously well and despite not having officially 'let the milk come in' with little stimulation I now get beads of milk forming quickly so I am confident that when I drop the oestrogen (pill) in two weeks' time I will get  the milk hope for coming through.  Fingers crossed though - this is so important to me.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Tales through Surrogacy

So we are 29 weeks and with only 8 weeks to go I wanted to share a few strange things have been happening since we started this journey and I wanted to share them "More strange?" I hear you say! - well on and chuckle as we do.

Back at 12 weeks
So sitting in the little room at the hospital waiting for the lady to take T's bloods and in comes a spritely young nurse.  Controls T's name, DOB, confirms her address "So we are going to have to do a nuchal test, we will be using maternal age".  "In that case" says Tara "you will need to take hers, she is the maternal mother."

 I say my date of birth and she turns to me and smiles pleasantly "You two have the same date of birth, what a lovely couple you make, how lovely that you are carrying each other's children. How did you meet?"

Well, there was that awkward moment where Tara and I looked at each other, then back to the Nurse, then at each other.  "We aren't aren't a couple, as in gay lover so of couple" I say.  "This is my surrogate".  "Oh, SO Sorry!" Says the Nurse....

......note to self buy a T-shirt that clearly indicates 'surrogacy'.

Then at 18 weeks
T is in a supermarket.  She has identical twin boys who are at the age where they race around creating havoc wherever they go.  Random lady pulls in next to her trolley and flings the comment "well you're brave doing it again" T replies with confidence "yes they are twins again too."

The horror on the woman's face was priceless!

....note to T 'always wear surrogacy T-shirt when out in public'

Last Week
T is waiting to pick up her kids from school.  Parent turns to her and asks how the twins are doing, she replies that all is going well.  Parent (Mum) then says "Won't it be strange when they come out to look at them and see that they won't look like you?" T replies "Err, no, what would be weird is if they came out and DID look like me, that would really confuse me".

......not to T 'correctly align expectations of general public'.

Every week
Me "Yes I am expecting twins at the beginning of January." Eyes of whoever I may be speaking to instinctively move to stomach, to my face, back to my stomach.  Expression changes to disbelief and then pity........after all I am so disillusional aren't I?

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Wave of Light 2013 - International Baby Loss Awareness day

As with every year I have my candles burning tonight since 7pm to remember my boys and all those who aren't here with their Mums and Dads and should be.

Wave of Light is what we do on International Baby Loss Awareness day - why?  Lighting a candle is about the only gesture we can manage and I can't face trying to make myself a human torch again by trying to light one of those fire-hazard paper lantern things - I fear if I keep risking it I will be joining them before meeting my other two!  That really would be ironic in every sense of Alanis Morisette's song!

In other news and in complete juxtapose - we are 25 weeks tomorrow, officially 12 weeks to go! Happy/Sad like a bi-polar ambivalent hermit tonight staring at the candles thinking of all those little babies that should be here whilst at the same time trying to figure out where to buy a cot.

That's the craziness, it just gets more crazy!

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Funny Thing the Universe

The Universe is a funny thing - not funny 'ha, ha' more mysterious and bizarre.  I am sitting here pondering today with a slightly smirky smile on my face as fellow blogger and double twin/ twin angel Mum Kate welcomed her twin girls Emily and Sophie into the world.

I finally feel that balance is restored for her, that the universe righted the imbalance that took place when her first twins Matthew and Oliver left too early.  This doesn't always happen, but sometimes something bigger than us suddenly realises and thinks 'crap, best put that to rights'.  I wish it happened more, that there weren't still many, many parents-in-waiting filled with sorrow and please don't misunderstand, this doesn't mean replacing, or substituting our losses BUT when something like this happens it is a sort or reconciliation, a salvage, a gesture......and it is wonderful, because this didn't happen alone and it means that you are not insignificant that something or someone heard and saw what happened and has tried to make it right.

I believe that something happened/aligned/reached out/sent T to carry for us.  That after the attempts to 'make right' didn't work the plan for a surrogate didn't come together through my own stubbornness and perseverance alone because one can look for a lifetime and still not find that perfect person.  Something intervened to ensure we met, that we chatted, that this alternative plan was a feasible one on both a financial and personal level.

So Kate's balance was achieved with two girls and joy returning to her life.  Mine......well we are 21+3 weeks today and, ever consistent as my husband is, we can happily announce that babies 5 and 6 will be sons.

T looking GORGEOUS! 

That is a perfect 6 in a row score (I have tried to calculate the probability of this happening but maths fail me) we have roughly 15+4 weeks left to go!  

....Did you read that bit?  I sneaked it in at the end ;)

Thursday, 5 September 2013

We Have Movement - From The OUTSIDE!

Last week I got an excited text from T announcing "It's OFFICIAL we have movement from the outside!" to say I was stunned is an understatement.  This is uncharted territory for me, I 'think' I felt and saw Vincenzo's foot near the end of that pregnancy but I was so overwhelmed sometimes I wonder if I imagined the whole thing.  

So, back to now, kicks.  Little, tiny kicks that can be felt from the outside.  Let me correct that, little kicks that this week at 19+1 weeks actually stop T from going to sleep it is a 'disco in a belly a bedtime'.  I am so delighted at this point, we have a scan next week and it should confirm what I suspect and that is that CHI (Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis) does not appear if someone else carries our babies, that this condition is tied to the mother.  Anyway enough of that, back to the yummy stuff.

Me at 19+1 weeks:

  • Zumba morphed into Kickboxing:  I last did kickboxing 10 years ago but loved it then and found it great for stress relief and fitness I recently found a local gym with a great atmosphere so started that again.  Hard is an understatement, worth it? Completely!
  • Feeling great:  Honestly, I think I caught my Muchness. I mean my brain accommodates all that has happened and I can not only live with that but also move forward.  This has taken a long time but by far the biggest factor was forgiving myself and learning to love me and everything around me again.
  • Loving not being pregnant!  I love it!  Why doesn't everyone do it this way?  Dread that "omg I can't bear the thought of having to lump around a pregnancy and set myself up for failure? Find an amazing person, a new best friend who loves it and give her the cheapest boob job ever - pregnancy! 
    his Orchid bloomed all summer, the first time since losing the first twins

So, the 'to do' list at 19+1 weeks:
  • Hospital Bag: what to pack, what size bag to take any advice gratefully received
  • Operation Nursery: theme to be announced soon but when does one indulge in the big purchases?
  • Maternity Leave: tricky one this one thanks to UK Law not coming into effect until 2015 I need to negotiate with my company to see what, if any, time I can take
  • Car Seat/Pushchair: where to start with these things, eugh!
19 weeks and the size of potatoes
Finally.....bets are on - are we blue or pink?  We find out next Wednesday :)

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Plan D

So, as I mentioned some time ago.  I rarely give up and the same holds true here.  So I will just come out and say it.

We are pregnant - 'we' being me and my husband by proxy, and a lovely lady, our shining star who is carrying, because sometimes it takes three to make a baby (or two as in this case).

T at 16 weeks
Today hails the halfway point for twin pregnancy and I am delighted to report that there is nothing to report!  Everything is uneventful and 'normal'.

The decision to accept the help from someone else has to be one of the most intelligent things I have ever done.  I am so relieved to not be in the position of carrying this time and yes surrogacy is a scary word and when it first started to be thrown about I shied away from the thought of it.  But I think like any relationship when you meet the right person it just feels 'right' and T for us is perfect.

We decided on a Gestational Surrogacy journey, this means that the two little wrigglers that T is carrying are biologically ours and the birth certificate, once reissued, will have our names as the mother and father.  

So I guess I have learnt a whole new thing in the last few months, I have learnt about the Surrogacy World of Journeys (not a theme park) which receives such bad press and a shady reputation is nothing of the sort.  It has been perfect for us and so far has taken us to the midway point of the pregnancy with out 5th and 6th children.  This time they will be Earth children, I know because it is a team effort and all the pieces are right!

Would you like me to post more?  If so please leave a comment!

Elmo our mascot demonstrating the size of the twins at 18 weeks

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

“Your attitude is your altitude. It determines how high you fly.”

I read this yesterday and it really got me thinking.  One of my biggest mantras is that my state of mind will determine how I approach my life events and it is all about choice.

I have written many times about my belief that if you have enough mental strength you can surpass anything.  I have spent the last few years bolstering my mind in an effort to shore up, reinforce and strengthen it.  I have lengthen, broadened and expanded my mind, and as a consequence my attitude, in ways that have even surprised me.

In the next few days the biggest thing we have ever done will happen, that which I am not quite ready to post about just yet.  Will it work?  We will see but I will keep in mind that 'Your Attitude is your Altitude. It determines how high you can fly' - and at the moment I am focussing on the nearest galaxy as my first port of call, what about you?  How high can you fly?


Saturday, 13 April 2013

Bad, Naughty, Naughty - New!!

I have been terribly bad at neglecting my blog recently and that isn't because life is boring but in fact I have too much going on but nothing I want to address right here, right now.  At the same time I want to continue to offer hope to those out there who are in a dark place, the same one I have shared many, many times and my philosophy will continue to be to find ways to work through this, for it not to define me nor dictate my life.  These events, my sons who haven't stayed, are a part of my life but will not be all of it so in true 'me style' I haven't given up.

In life there are always a few options and the same way I have chosen to lose weight, to get a haircut to start enjoying all the aspects of life that were important to me before we embarked on trying to have a baby such as makeup, fashion, good wine, chocolate, great food etc etc I am also starting to rediscover.

Weight loss is going well, I am back to normal clothes and in a few more pounds I will buy a new wardrobe - a gift to me.

I have a heap load of new friends that I speak to online and find myself with more amazing friends now than I had three years ago and they all know the real me and have seen me at my worse so that can only be a bonus as well!

I continue to see beauty in the world and recently did something that I have wanted to do for a very long time, I bought a Nikon D3200 SLR camera (cue millions of opinions on how good/bad/overpriced/something this choice was) and some very sexy lens.  The sole purpose of which will be to continue to capture the beauty I see around me and look like I know what I am doing while I do it - I am even going on a course (I AM!)

I have already talked about the Zumba and the psychological impacts of being forced into dancing one - two hours every week (crazy, crazy people).

Lots of new; new camera, new bed (which automatically meant new bedding), new make-up, new handbag and bizarrely newfound passion in orchids which are pretty, happy little flowers.  

All in all I feel about balanced right now but 'Back to your point!' I hear you, I'm not telling you yet but keep watching, in a few more weeks I might be ready to say and no, I am not pregnant! ;)

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Evasive Action

After re-reading my last blog made a scrunched up face expression and decided to take some evasive action, the metaphorical 'slap around the face'.  

The first thing I did was start to tweet again and in a bolder fashion, the second thing I did was go and make winter as been a bit never ending this year the constant grey sky is undoubtably enough to get to anyone so it is important that as stubbornly insists on staying that I make the effort to be inspired in other ways.  So here are the things I prescribe to turn a dark mood around:

1 - Zumba.  I don't care where you have to go to do this but try it once and I thank my friend for insisting that I give it a go.  It is an almost surreal feeling standing in a room with 29 other women who don't have any rhythm either but who consider themselves to suddenly become masters of salsa.  For one hour I am a master of salsa and it feels so ridiculous that I challenge anyone to not end up with a silly Cheshire cat grin on your face by the end of it.

2 - Chocolate.  Poor for the diet great for the mood, tell me what tastes better than a slice of handmade dark chocolate torte?  Not shop bought mind you, this has to be homemade so that your house fills with the gorgeous smell of 85% cocoa solids.  Thanks to another friend for suggesting (no real persuasion required) we try 'Chocolate Therapy'.

Chocolate Therapy....

3 - Craft. Make something.  Doesn't matter how small, I have turned to photography, cards, watercolours and PVA glue in the last three weeks alone and it feels good, REAL good.  I pulled down my old A-level Art box from the loft, chucked out a whole load of dried up gouache paints then promptly made a trip to Craft World to buy some more 'stuff'.

If you can't manage all try one......if you do I promise to try and video the Zumba class, just to prove that you don't need illegal drugs to act like a fool in public!  :)

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Out there

I am out there on a limb, hung out to dry.  Well that's what it feels like at the moment, written off like some old mad person who just 'bothers'.  Of course I don't, bother that is, there is something that is incomplete and I believe it is only human nature to want to fix that.

Quite a lot of the time I feel like I am ignored now.  Not only by the medical community but by the majority of the babyloss one as well, there is almost a stubborn pride out there on 'who hurts the most' and me, not wanting to be part nor having been offered a part am left aside.  The extreme version and without any rainbows to speak of, my events remain current - my sons' closed eyes their defining legacy and ongoing memory that no one wants to hear about.

These last few weeks I have been missing all my sons a lot. Life events at the moment have forced me to uncover and sort through the things I bought for them and I find that some of them expired in 2011 - that's how long this has been going on, long enough for things to go out of date.  I refuse to part with these belongings voluntarily so I wait for them to fall apart, expire, dry out and perish.  Baby bottles, food, nappies, baby wipes, clothes, bibs.....the list is endless.  Finding my muchness didn't last long because there is no one to support you at home alone.

I have tried to write but felt unable, I am not really sure who even reads this anymore.  Life moves on and the crack that was our tragedy has been filled in and plastered over, perhaps even replaced by newer cracks.  Not for us mind you, I am not sure how couples survive this, we are at the moment but long term who knows.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Finding my Muchness

Arenal- Costa Rica. January 2013
I was having a down day a while back and a friend in Facebook made a comment to me following something that I posted, she felt that I have lost my 'muchness'.  I was like "What an earth was she talking about?" but as curious as always I followed the link and the seed was planted.  I had a brief look a the website but felt that I was not ready to embark on all that smiley stuff that it was all well and good reminding me what I was missing but noone on that site has lost as much as me so what did they know?

But I don't think any of that matters, I realise I could sit here crying about how much I have lost or I could just decide how much I want back.  It will take some work and will never overwrite everything that has happened but my life will be long and I want it to be colourful and light not dark and painful.  That is why I owe this to myself.

Glitter audit....
So I embark in a journey that will hinge on glitter.  I urge anyone who is in that bitter, dark place to try today to take a peep at the site, just have a it not worth considering?  Will you not let this little seed in to let these "Little bits of Light to help you find your way through darkness"....the answer is 'yes'....sign up here: go on

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Guardians of The Urns

I have written about Barely There Bears before but I was entirely surprised to have received yet another Guardian for little Santino. He was entirely unexpected but has settled in quite nicely with his brothers guarding my precious little ones.  Why are they called Barely There?  Because they are all super tiny handstitched miracles, exactly like my little ones :) ......the amazing thing is that they are all a tiny bit different, except for the twins who are the same.....

And so the quartet is complete......

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Terrible Twos.......

My boys are two today.......I am sure they are running around and being terrible in that other unseen place where I can't see them.  I content myself imagining this, what else can I do?

As every year I dedicate a song to them.  Today I play 'Two Little Boys'

 Yes guys you can ask Mama 'why are you playing this?' - and I will answer it is because you are my two little boys, that's why and while the time between when we last saw each other lengthens, I know that the time until I see you again shortens.....until then we love you and will always miss you.....  xxx