Monday, 3 September 2012

My Black Hole and me

(Must be read while listening to the Eels "My Beloved Monster and Me")

I often just come to this blog to bumble away a few thoughts and get them done.  Today was not a great day.  I fell down the Black Hole again and then sat there for a while at the bottom, in the darkness, doing that 'Feeling sorry for myself' thing that sometimes happens.

I then hit the panic button on my mobile, sent a couple of 'help!' texts to my support network, received some reassuring 'Keep your chin up' responses and then cooked a risotto.

I have just been pondering about far to many things recently and the frustration I always get about how little I can actually change and as a consequence how little actually changes.  I feel old, way too old, old and tired yet I still stand there.  I still stand up again and won't be pushed down, I will sit down only when I want to for as long as I want to.  

Someone on Twitter asked me earlier what helped me climb out of the Black Hole, I help me.  My sheer bloody mindedness and stubborn arrogance.  the kind of qualities that are rarely seen as the most redeeming but now realise that they have a purpose.  I guess that makes 'The' Black Hole 'My' Black Hole and that is the key difference: I decide.

I can't control any other factor on this mad chase for a live baby so I'll be darned if depression is going to start telling me what to do as well. FACT.

So, enough of the clichés, no lessons learnt today but another day conquered.  Goodnight all x