Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Night and Day

I felt inspired to write today as the events have left me feeling immensely positive.  I had my 16+2 weeks growth scan today and was delighted to see baby wriggling, happy and an extremely good size.  

The EFW (Estimated Fetal Weight) is 157gm which is already more than Benedetto's birth weight, I just couldn't believe it after I checked, I was stunned poor little Benedetto he was so far behind.

The baby isn't just moving, like the boys did, this baby is positively having a ball in there no wonder why I have started feeling movements!  

In addition my blood pressure is normal and there are no other signs showing anything but good, good, good.

Then a series of co-incidences my dear friend sent me this poem; 

"Mummy, We're a thousand winds that blow. We're the diamond glints on snow. We're the sunlight on ripened grain. We're the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, We're the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. We're the soft stars that shine at night." 

I was speaking to the photo of the boys telling them that I know they are with me, I feel their gentle, reassuring presence.  They are the whispers at night and what assures this new baby that it is wanted, even when Mummy is sad.  I then glanced outside the window and saw this Daddy sparrow feeding this baby.  Today is a good day.  Thank you. x

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

6 months versus 15 weeks

I knew that the day would come that six months would pass and I would still be without my boys.  They truth is  that they aren't coming back and I will continue to live without them.  It has taken that long for me to really understand that, not so much the coming back bit (which would be a kinda miracle) but the living without them.  Everyday is just another day forward from that moment in time and I live with the memory of what happened and their still, silent faces in my head, its all I have.  I wish I had held them when I had the chance, I touched them and remember the softness of the skin but regret not giving them a final hug, I was too afraid.

I spent the 7th July on a beach wondering what it would have been like having twin boys in my arms, what they would be like now, how much they have grown.  Would they be weaning now?  I don't know, I still don't know many things about being a Mother except what it feels like to carry a child and to lose a child.

So I thought a lot about that all day and in return I became very aware that the feelings inside me were actually probably quickening from the new baby.  As if it was gently reassuring me that 'everything is going to be ok'.  I know I love this baby, that the capacity for love does grow or expand it just feels like with each new opportunity to love you discover a new piece of yourself, a new 'love zone'.  My love for this baby is already in a new zone to the love for my husband or the love for my twins and I do not believe that this is exhaustable.  The capacity seems as vast as the universe.

My hopes for today and everyday is that it will be ok.......