Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Let me run!

In my last post about fear I touched on the concept of bravery and how it is applied but not accepted by many Mums in similar situations be that recurrent miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility or any of the other reasons we lose our children.  

The word just doesn't seem to sit well with us.  When someone has called me brave I have never replied 'well yes I am', never.  For me it seems absurd.  I knew that there must be another word that would fit and Twitter provided it.

I read a tweet that talked about "Endurance is just not the ability to bear a hard thing but to turn it into glory." ~ William Barclay
La Fortuna, Costa Rica. June 2012

Endurance, for me this is a fit, I feel like it is what I am doing.  I endure.  I appreciate that this takes courage, there is no doubt, but it is not being brave but enduring what is now in the hope that things will turn out differently in the future.

The Endurance Race.  Trying to be a Mum, puts all the rest of those fund-raising events in second place.  This is the real thing, I have chosen to run in the race and am not sure where the finish line is.  I know the realistically one of these days I will either get to it or quit the race.  Those are the choices and for now I run.  

I keep going through Doctors who don't know what to do with their conflicting prognoses and treatment plans.  I run past disappointment and pain and push past people who think that I am mad to keep going.  I need to run this.  So please, just let me run.......