Friday, 30 December 2011

Wrapping Up a Year....

I am ready for this year to end with an impatience that surprises me.  Looking back I have actually surprised myself constantly this year.  I have been knowledgeable in a whole area of death that most never even have to think about, let alone live through.  It should be something you have to list on your CV 'expert in child deaths and burials' as a qualification, ask me I can go through the whole thing with you.  I would sincerely like to not to have to draw on this new-found expertise again any time soon. 

Brothers together on a Windowsill
UK December 2012
In an effort to tie off all loose ends I collected Gabriele from the funeral directors yesterday and brought him home, my parting words to the lady that has arranged both funerals with me was that I hoped not to see her again in 2012.  I Gabriele home and decided to put his urn in with his brothers in their Memory box rather than leaving him alone so I carved out a space amongst all the meaningless 'stuff' and sat him there.

So now 2011 draws to a close and I need to make some more choices.  In some ways I have yet again been put back to the starting block but I now look at the race from a different angle, I have been given a disadvantage penalty that I didn't know I had when I first started this whole thing back in August 2009.  The other runners in my original race are so far ahead now they are either lapping me or have finished it completely.  

I continue to have hope but I am not counting on it, the sad truth is that I don't think anyone else does either.  After I lost Gabriele people stopped telling me that it was 'just bad luck' and that we could 'try again', this time it isn't mentioned and when it is they ask 'have you thought about adoption'.  

In essence I have been written off by the general populous, which makes it all the more harder on me to justify this myself.  But then my empty house echoes back at me and that is the justification.  Surely.  

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Pandora's Box

It is four days until Christmas, seventeen days until the twins 1st Birthday, thirteen days until Gabriele's due date and somewhere in there New Year happens, we all remember last year's New Year.  So call it bad timing or whatever but these days are expectively sitting heavily on my psyche and if I were to tell you that I had been fine, I would be lying, and actually you can see from the sometimes manic tones of the previous posts.

The Garden a Year Ago......
UK December 2010
Yesterday a lady who is also sufferers from CHI lost her Rainbow, she was 8 weeks gone.  Her little one probably didn't even have time to bed in before the placenta was completely ruined. I have never met this lady but we are sisters and I was so sad to hear that this happened to her.  So close to Christmas she has the big 'why?' question she now has to live with of these increasingly maddening season of repetitively annoying Christmas songs and tinsel and presents, endless presents that have to be thought out, bought and wrapped.  

So it made me think about what we are left with when this happens, when the shadows are long and you feel like you are viewing the world from the sad side of life's sound-proof window.  You look out and see everyone else enjoying life and turn around in the silence of the partition you live in and spy the box.  Pandora's box which sits in the long shadows of this world.  Hope does sit in that box and it is the only comfort with its soft glow through those moments I have of utter and complete despair, it is the only thing that brings me back from the teetering edge of complete insanity, when I come so close I can taste it. I touched madness in those final weeks with Gab.

So I accept that the end of this year, as the last, is going to be rubbish.  I am thankful for the small things that I can be thankful for and sit tight and watch as this season flies by what the next year will bring.......with hope.

Monday, 5 December 2011

Tired

I am taking a break.  I thank you all for shoulders to cry on but, honestly, it still isn't filling the hole.  Nothing is and I am finding it more and more difficult to push forward.  My OH already has decided social networking is not helping him in anyway and I am beginning to feel the same.  Perhaps I am misunderstood?  I don't know, I know I have a tendency when things go bad to pull everyone together and to start shouting really loud that something needs to be organised, changed, researched.

I have tirelessly trawled, compiled, drawn up and extracted every single piece of information out there.  I repeatedly produce everything to the Doctors to hopefully encourage them to think twice.  All because I really, really want someone to help me, but am not convinced that anyone can.  This makes me try harder, push further and not give up but then you get someone reminds me that I am on my own, that no one else wants to do this, they don't want to fight, demonstrate, push and demand.  They just want to offer support and comfort.  

Is that what I am supposed to do?  Be a mournful, weepy mother that submits to being comforted?  Crying constantly at the hopelessness of it all on the shoulders of all the mothers that have made it through this before me?    Let myself to be lead, content to allow whatever will be to be?  To look back in 10 years when it is all too late for me and know that it is ok because a thousands Mums gave me support?   Or is this easy for some to say, the ones that have produced their miracle and so have only fading memories of the 'before' times.  Desperate times.  The times when every every day was black and produced day after day after day of black.

I don't know.....that's why I'm tired, I think so much my head actually hurts.  Back to work, concentrate on that and avoid looking into the catastrophe (ohhh look yet another new absolute noun) of my life.