Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Final Goodbye

We knew this day would come and I had talked to you about it all the time.  Little did I know that you had your own plans to make it unique and memorial for us on that wet and windy Wednesday.

No contractions came so even though I knew you had gone on the Sunday it was only on Wednesday that Papa' took us to hospital and they tried to induce you to arrive.  I waited all morning and at 3pm only a few tummy pains indicated that something was happening, at 6pm they stopped completely.  It was like the sea suddenly going calm, I feared that this was going to be the precursor for real labour to start and braced myself.  Held Papa's hand, lay there, waiting.

At 1825hrs you arrived; quickly, silently, painlessly, perfectly.  I only had time to turn to Papa and tell him you were coming, there wasn't even enough time to call the midwife.  I didn't even push.  I didn't need to because you were so kind to me.

Mummy holding your perfect little hand.

I held you, I bought a special book and read and sung the lullabies to you.  I took photos and the priest came to bless you, we gave you your presents and talked about how perfect your tiny hands and feet were. Your eyes were open but you couldn't see us, that is always the saddest thing, I wanted to show you Papa' because you looked like him.  You looked like your brothers too.  We will forever miss you Santino, our 'little Saint'.

Someone told me that I have a quartet of angels now and think that is more than enough for anyone.  This is not a wonder of modern medicine, I am an example of a mystery.  A mystery that has taken my whole family that should otherwise have been here.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

See you later alligator......

He left us last night, as silently as he arrived.  I felt it this time though and when I listened for a heartbeat on the doppler this morning I knew I wouldn't hear him, I already knew.

Now that has always been the hardest bit.  Here we are again saying goodbye to another child and being left behind with a strange sort of grief this time.  It has felt almost commonplace, separate, continuous but it is the normal that we know rather than the earth shattering surprise it has been in the past.

Difficult to describe.  For me I am relieved, relieved because I know this is the last time.  We will not be trying again and I really had no desire to ever be pregnant ever again anyway because of this overwhelming saddest it has brought us.  The empty hope, quiet despair and sad memories are all that have filled the last two/three years.

Every journey ends but we go on.......and so we must.  Is this the end?  No, never.  If you have learnt anything about me by reading this blog you know I never give up but I am not stupid enough to keep trying, I accept that until someone out there understands the mechanisms behind what happens and why I am allergic to pregnancy then I would be a fool to hope that another pregnancy would end any differently.  However first we need to concentrate on little Tico, he will be arriving soon and I will get to say hello his eternally innocent face at the same time I also say "see you later alligator".

Friday, 2 November 2012

A lifetime in a few weeks..........

Most parents when they find out they are pregnant start planning for the fact that the next xx number of years is going to be a whole new direction.  The whole shift in their lives takes place, they buy a new car, they decorate a room they may even have to buy that new house.

When you carry a baby that will die before its born your life shifts and condenses into those weeks, except you cannot see that child, you may never even feel that child move, you are told it is there and you have an extra heart beating.

That is what I have at the moment, an extra heart beating.  I have not written before because I wanted this time to be that sacred time together with a big 'surprise!' to everyone at the end.  Today we were told that this will not happen.

So, from today we wrap-up this baby boy's lifetime in a few short weeks.  How we made him in Costa Rica and how he will die here in the UK before his first Christmas.  

To-date I have taken 504 pessaries, 6 intravenous infusions, 672 steroid tablets, 20 subcutaneous injections, 336 normal injections and 1,512 different vitamins and minerals.  

The tragic thing is that this treatment plan doesn't appear to have made any difference.  He won't make it, he is just too small and the growth is slowing down.

There was no good news/bad news from the Consultant today.  He passed sentence: a choice for the convicted, to terminate or wait.  That is no choice to make at all for this child expected in the UK in 2012.  It is an archaic story straight from the pages of a Medieval book, I should not be a face of forgotten modern medicine - there is so much that could have been done to prevent this, all this would have taken is research.  This is not what should happen.

We still have so much to show him and yet he will be stillborn.  My fourth child.......will be given to fly