Friday, 25 February 2011

Beware the Monster Lady

'Beware the bogeyman' or, in my case 'Beware the monster lady'!  What a day, trying ever so hard to frequent only 'twin -free zones' which in theory should not be so hard - wrong!  I see them everywhere, which normally I can handle I put my head down and march in the opposite direction.  Today I couldn't and was confronted by two 4-year-old identical twin boys, I'm sure they didn't mean it, I am sure that they were playing, but it does make me wonder especially since one of them kept running up to me pointing and shouting 'Monster Lady!' maybe there is some way they knew.......maybe I am some kind of monster lady but only the kind twins know about "you better behave or the monster lady will get you.....she will squash you to death while you sleep"...... yep that's me baby killer, monster lady, amazing what your body can do without you having the faintest bit of control over it.

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Fridge Poetry

I write little messages to my boys everywhere..........this one is a few lines in Italian to them....

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Crying of the Mummy Sheep

Growing up in the country meant that the field of sheep that was the view from my bedroom window throughout the year was something that I loved to observe as it changed with the seasons. 

My favourite time of year after the field stopped being all dull and wintry and the farmer would bring the sheep up from their winter 'residence' and let out into the field bulging with their babies - you knew that the little leaping, bleating, dancing dainty darling lambs would be arriving soon and they were so much fun to watch.  

I used to spend hours watching from my window sketching and running commentaries in my head as the Mummy sheep would round up their babies, scold them when they were naughty, help them when they got stuck, allow them to go off and play with all their little lamb buddies all day long.  That they would rest with them, feed them and chase them.......Mummy sheep were kept so busy!

I remember how sad I used to get when the Mummy sheep cried, and they did every year usually for days after the farmer took their lambs to market.  

The fields were left once again to the Mummy sheep, alone with only each other for comfort.  Together they would cry out for their babies all day and all night, which was not quite the same as their usual bleating.  I would ask my Mum why they made such a noise and she told me because they were looking for their lamb babies, calling for them to come back.  

Of course they never did and after a couple of days the Mummy sheep would be quiet again.  I wonder if their love for their lost children was a silent love and that every year when they stopped crying if they sought solace in each other's company knowing their babies were not coming back.  Poor Mummies.......

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Diary of a Time Traveller.......

It has been a few days since I have last ventured a post.  I can't fathom why time continues to move so fast, it is almost March and then April will arrive along with the DD.  

This is the next milestone and I cannot anticipate how it will feel then for it to come and go.  I must remember though that all of these 'dates' and 'days' are moments in time that arrive and then pass.  It still takes incredible effort to jump back into the slipstream of living time and actually participate, do something and get something out of a day.  There are still many days where I feel that I must have been sitting to one side as an observer my only contribution on those days is waking and 'being'.  Knowing that I got up and then it was bedtime and not really recalling anything of value that I did in between.  

Those are the days way I cannot even say that I am an observer because I am not.  In those days I become a time traveller away from the present.  I travel back in time, forward or to a parallel universe where the dice rolled differently and I would still be heavily pregnant right now and my DH would still have the adoring smile on his face of happy contentment and incredible pride.

When the time travelling ends and I come back I find I am still in my pyjamas, still in the living room and it is evening and I have to cook dinner. 

Blog Hop

Franchesca's blog at Small Bird Studio asked this question and then I was off, on the blob hop!  The question is: 

What small {or big!} miracles have brought you hope lately? I hope you'll share a piece of your journey by joining the blog hop :)

I have spent the most amazing last two days literally going around the global and reading so many Mummy's blogs! It has been amazing and gives me hope just seeing that it isn't just me that this happened to and that we can try again and get a different ending.

That's the idea now, a new 'Choose your Own Adventure' story that will allow we to come out at the end with those smiles I always had at the beginning of last one. 

In terms of miracles, this is something I blogged about on Valentine's Day when my heart was full of love for my three favourite boys though only my husband was there to share it with me.  For me it sums up perfectly:

"Little gifts from Heaven,
They send me everyday
Tiny, sweet reminders
That they are not so far away......."

These few lines came to me today after I starting to think of all the wonderful people that I have met, since they went away and all the new things I have learnt, all the pictures I have drawn, the poems I have written, the things I have made.  Even the tiny little Robin in my garden who normally sits far away came to rest so close to me in the garden on Saturday and started to chirp, it was surreal as we chatted away about all the big fat worms I was digging up for him. 

Today I thanked my sons for all these new things and for what is to eyes are now open and the world seems different somehow......

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Back to the start for a debrief

Today we had the follow-up meeting with my Consultant.  The visit to the familiar place was not as traumatic as I thought it was going to be and I was very keen to see what had been uncovered.

As a result we have a name of a condition Histiocytic Intervillositis (HI) which was uncovered during the Post Mortem (for this reason and many more I would recommend and urge everyone to ensure that you have this in order to check everything).  The Pathologist ruled that this was present in both placentas and what was causing the IUGR and possibly the Hypertension.  Pre-Eclampsia has since been ruled out as have any chromosomal conditions, this means that the boys were perfect.  

There were tears as my first reaction was that this was my fault then but really, when I came back from that raw emotional edge that persists and lingers to the sides of my reason, I understand that babies or me there was nothing that could have been done then.  What is important is what can be done now.  

So my attention now focuses on the HI, I need to have a follow-up meeting to discuss plans and meaning.  If I were to read all the medical papers and create a plan for myself it would, based on what I read today, consist of the following:  creating a Bart Simpson-esque Sterile Egg environment to inhabit, pump myself full of immune system suppressants, steroids and select hormones and play the game of Russian roulette with an interactive ovary/womb interface (yet to invent).  So in light of this I have decided, for this evening at least, to leave it to the Consultants, whom I don't envy in the slightest.  

Unfortunately I am coming to terms with parts of my personality which are drawing me to clearly be a person not to be beaten, admit defeat nor do I have much patience.

So, my understanding so far from, what I have researched, this condition is rare.  How lucky I am again, but has a high chance of recurrence of 50-60%.  I will update again when I have more to post.  

So far I have found a website chi (chronic histiocytic intervillositis) support and Facebook group in terms of support which is by sufferers......guess that also includes me now then as well.  Oh well!

Monday, 14 February 2011

Little Gifts from Heaven

"Little gifts from Heaven,
They send me everyday
Tiny, sweet reminders
That they are not so far away......."

These few lines came to me today after I starting to think of all the wonderful people that I have met, since they went away and all the new things I have learnt, all the pictures I have drawn, the poems I have written, the things I have made.  Even the tiny little Robin in my garden who normally sits far away came to rest so close to me in the garden on Saturday and started to chirp, it was surreal as we chatted away about all the big fat worms I was digging up for him. 

Today I thanked my sons for all these new things and for what is to eyes are now open and the world seems different somehow......

Faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

A quote from East Coker.  T.S Eliot 

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Valentine's Day......futile search

Gift searching for my DH is becoming more and more futile. I know that also because on Monday I collect the urn that hold the final traces of the earthly existence of our dream.

I scrapped through on the Birthday but now for Valentine's day nothing, and I mean nothing, will do.

As the one true expression of how much I love him, the one and only present I wanted to give were the ones we made together.

Two little boys, one for each of us, nothing more we could ever need.  Now nothing else compares......not a thing.......and it isn't even one of those opportunities where you can try over, do it again.  It isn't the same and I don't think it ever will be.  What do you give your love when you took away the ultimate symbol of it?

Friday, 11 February 2011

Little Butterfly & Flower Charms

I have been receiving an awful lot of compliments on the charms I made after my boys died. I myself find them such a comfort to wear. So I have decided to make a few for sale, 30% of profits go to SANDS.  Below is a photo to give you an idea of the sorts of charms I can make.  If you don't see one you like available on sale please contact me through eBay or via email and let me know what you have in mind, I can make one with pretty much any flower you like and I will be happy to see if I can put something together that is completely bespoke for you. My eBay Shop

Just a few examples .....

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Returning Memories

"Mobilise her!", I clearly recall this being the instruction given to the Midwife in the hospital the morning after the disaster.  I looked at the Midwife, puzzled, and she looked back.  Once the Doctor who had performed the 'obs' and given his orders had left the room the Midwife turned to me and said "Personally I believe that you have been mobile enough considering the amount of pacing you did yesterday while you we in labour, but we shouldn't argue with Doctors should we?".  No, I don't suppose we should.

These memories of the days while I was in hospital and others have started to come back to me.  The way they tried to reassure me that I had to 'get the babies out'.  The memories come back in other ways too, taste, feel, smells, sounds.  I remember the pain of the IV in my hand, the cool feeling as they injected the strong antibiotics into it, into me, then the smell and the taste as they proliferated through my system. 

One that refuses to return are the moments after they told me that Vincenzo's heart had stopped.  I remember calling my BH and crying as I told him as well as looking at all the other women waiting for their happy appointments.  I remember the other pregnant ladies looking at me as I spoke on the mobile, I must have looked crazy, fearful because their stares were all at me.  I remember I turned away from them.  I can't remember the walk over to the Bereavement Delivery Suite.  To this day remember vaguely that there was a Midwife/Nurse with me but I cannot remember how we got there and if we spoke, I don't remember arriving in the yellow room.  Maybe that will also come back, though I am not sure I want it to.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Celebrity Stillbirth and This Morning

I actually rang This Morning I could not stand the smirky Phillip Schofield with his comment about how rare Amanda Holden's situation is, I was sitting there screaming "No it isn't!!!!", what a presumption.  Almost everyone knows someone that has suffered from a stillbirth, miscarriage or neonatal death therefore IT IS NOT RARE!  17 babies a day die in the UK.  This is no big number, The biggest difference is that most chose to ignore it.  They say "how sorry they are", "how sad they feel", "how they can't imagine what it feels like" and that "we need to try again", "have another baby", "move on"!

WRONG, this is not rare, many celebrities suffer, see here Famous people who have experienced pregnancy loss just mothers are silent in their loss.

If these deaths were given as much attention as cot deaths then maybe they would have been reduced by 70% as cot deaths have been since the increased publicity and subsequent fund raising caused by the raised profile.  Amanda didn't need to lose her baby, I didn't need you lose mine and nor did the majority of the other women that I have met since starting this journey.

I will stand up I will do what I can........I have to do this.....I can't let other women go through what I have.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Now....what happens now?

It has been a few days now and I keep expecting idea what.  There was all that build-up to the funeral and prior to that the disaster itself and now I am not sure what we are supposed to do.

I don't quite feel ready to move forward, yet find it too hard to look backwards so this leaves me wondering.

I still have moments of spontaneous tears at inappropriate moments which surprise me as much as those with me.  A kind message, twins in prams, twins anywhere (twin envy), children playing football (my DH dearly wanted to take the boys to play)....any of these things can prompt a breakdown and unfortunately they can appear around any corner or pop-up on any television programme.  Need to work on it I guess....need to work on a lot of things if I what to get back to work, and I do.....slouching around the house can only be fine to a point......

.....note to self, focus on healing the hole, the void left in my heart.  That doesn't mean stuffing it and hoping it will go away but more massage the edges until they aren't so sharp and don't cut you at every little thing.......that is the mission for this week I think......

Friday, 4 February 2011

Final Goodbyes.......

Vincenzo and Benedetto are four weeks old today.  This was also the day of their funeral.  Their little white coffin and final goodbyes we made has given me a sense of relief.  I know they are together and have reached their final destination.

Most of all we survived, just. My husband and I just about kept it together and we both did what we said we would do for them.

He carried the coffin, as he said he wanted to and I read the poem, we faltered a little and had wobbly moments but ultimately we did it and then held hands.  I hope my little guys were proud, that was the best we could have done for them - I guess they can tell me when we see each other the next time.

That was today, Happy 1st Month, my love for you still grows in my heart...............and less of the 'goodbye' and more of an 'arrivederci', until we meet again......

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Mark Schultz - He's My Son

Another song we are having tomorrow, there is a version available to download recorded by a female called Mel Kennedy.........

Craig Cardiff - smallest wingless

 No blog today.  In quiet anticipation of tomorrow I will just be posting a few songs.

We miss you both so much Mamma e Papa'xxxxx

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

'F' Day Minus 3

Funeral, Funeral, Funeral.....funeral?  Bad, this is going to be bad.  One of those 'one step forward ten back' moments.  Just when I felt like I can do this, I can move forward, big bad Friday is looming and my sons will be there, lying there.  Their first and only sleeping place will be a white, mini version of where we will all end up one day, be it sooner or later.  For my boys sooner, in fact before soon, before anything.  The money we had aside for the crib has paid for their coffin............all boxes, keepsake places.  

My husband, my poor husband, I can see his pain.  How could I do this too him?  As each day comes closer I see it, sheer sorrow.....sorrow that will never erase.

Will the funeral be closure?  I doubt it.  What I am learning is to live with this and be thankful.  It could be worse, people have worse things happen to them.....I just can't think of what just now.........all I can think is funeral, funeral, funeral.......