Thursday, 28 April 2011

Believe when it is beyond reason to believe

Today I wanted to take the opportunity to scatter a bit of faith amongst the doubt.  Traditionally the phrase above can be contributed to faith, faith is believing when it is beyond reason to believe.

Faith does not equal religion per se, though it can.  I stand by the idea that faith has to start with believing in one's self.  

Recognising that regardless whether or not destiny and fate are prescribed or already written, nothing is in stone and we cannot know what the end of our life story is.  

We stand side by side with all the other women in the world and we are equal, we are all women.

We still control the choices that we make, what happens as a result of the choices is somewhat more of a fuzzy area, but right now, right here Carpe Diem - we should seize the moment with both hands and make that conscious decision to do, whatever it is we need to do.  

How we find the strength to do that has to start inside, then we can slowly reinforce and fortify that with religion, friends and other influences around us.

I wrote this some time ago from T.S. Eliot and I shall post it here again today: "I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting" 


Saturday, 23 April 2011

Barely There Bears

Yesterday evening I met up with her again and she gave me two tiny little handmade bears.  They can't be much taller than 15cm. 

They have 'Benedetto' and 'Vincenzo' stitched onto their tiny feet (I bet she wished I had chosen shorter names) and a little heart on the other.  They have tiny little blue hearts for belly buttons and she told me that when she made them she was very careful to cut them from the same piece of cloth but at the same time make them ever so slightly different.  My non-identical twins.

I was genuinely touched, there are still rare people in the world that will go above and beyond to be amazing and Becky stitched these little guys for me by hand as a gift.

So I am sharing them with you, they have taken pride of place next to my bed and when I am ready will go and sit with my boys......thank you Becky......

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Due Date in Alternate Universe

I wanted to take the time out today to post to my blog as it is perhaps the only place, aside from me, that might remember that today was my due date.  Somewhere, sometime in some alternative universe I would have given birth to my baby boys today and they would be alive and we would be happy with our double car seats, iCandy double pram, cot etc.

Everything else I have dreamed about.  The other versions of my husband and I are currently sitting in a hospital, he is cuddling Vincenzo while I feed Benedetto, because he is smaller and more hungry than his brother, who is content to be snuggled up to Dad.  

Vincenzo is going to love football, probably support Roma, whereas already I know that Benedetto will always run to me.  

We laugh and giggle about how ludicrous it is for us to be sitting here with our twin sons, beyond our wildest imaginings and how I went to extraordinary lengths to ensure we go to Disneyland "Which of course we will have to do now" I giggle to Sabino, "because there is now absolutely no excuse not too".  Unless of course they both end up preferring Spiderman or the X-men, in which case we will switch Disney for Universal I decide.  That's me, aglow, proud, happy and delighted that I did it.  Did it for us.

We made our family and I got them here.  

But I have to back away from that universe and be sucked into my my version of 'present'.  

That present makes this event historical, already in the past, done, dusted, tucked away, packaged and boxed up.  So I navigated the day at work strongly aware that no one else would remember, or realise. No one did,  like a dirty secret that you can't tell because you get that look again, the forced sympathy and the heart-felt words that people are always compelled to say whenever you mention it.

Yesterday I attended an event in London, Earl's Court and walking up to that place reminded me that the last time I had approached the building it was in desperate excitement for the Baby Show and all the wonderful 'twin things' we were going to buy.  There I was standing looking at the signage for IT Support show thinking that this was not how I envisaged 19th April 2011 being.

At lunchtime today we toasted to better times but in my head I was toasting to my boys - beautiful and giggling with the 'other me'.  

Tonight I went to go and kiss the photo I have of my little men and found myself staring at the bin in the spare room next to a Memory box and cuddly toys.  It is filled will used Ovulation tests kits, and for the second time in two days I thought to myself that I had never dreamed back at the beginning that my life would become this.  

I don't know if my husband even remembered, and didn't want to remind as I know it still upsets him so.

Regardless my wishes to them are to say "Happy Dueday my two little principi you must know that I was thinking of you" :)

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Crying anew

Today I cried for you both, more than usual.  Maybe because I found out that my neighbour had lost his wife in January and we hadn't even realised.  I was only asking if he wanted to fix the fence with us that had fallen down over the winter. 

He started crying, that raw kind of pain I recognise as also my own.  I knew something terrible had happened and then I realised that I hadn't seen her in a while and he said "I guess I haven't told you about my wife.....".  Well no, he hadn't, we hadn't talked in such a long while, such are the impersonal relationships with neighbours in modern Britain.  Having said that I never was told that the couple on the other side had had a baby either, only seen them as they take the baby in and out of the house never glancing, I have given up greeting them in any way.  

I immediately felt that I had to run to him and tell him that it was going to be alright.  Of course it will be alright, somehow I will just have to try to show him how....

Friday, 8 April 2011

3 months and 1 day.......Sabr continues

I don't remember and can't forget.  The time passes between us and they are both getting further away and yet the void that opened hasn't been filled.

A dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful little book in the post and it tells you of the value of 'Sabr', I have been reading more about this with great interest.

It encompasses many things, more than any of them alone; patience, perseverance, endurance, courage, forbearance, acceptance.  The reward?  Double.  When?  Ah, well that is in the waiting.......

So I continue with my Sabr, a voyage of self discovery and try so very hard to keep living like I am alive with the conviction that there is a reward for all this.