Thursday, 31 May 2012

New Meaning to Names Out Loud

Some days I want to say their names out loud, but I can't. For me doing something 'out loud' doesn't always involve your voice.  I write their names whenever I can as big as I can, facing the sky so that they can look down and know that their Mum is here, thinking about them, always. Last time I felt I needed to I was in Paris, in the snow.  

This time was the big time, a deserted beach called Punta Leona, Costa Rica......I ran up and down writing their names over and over and there they stayed all day in the glorious sunshine for all to see.  You can't get more out loud than that.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Right Where I Am.....1yr, 4mths, 2wks and 5 days followed by 7 months, 2 weeks and 3 days

Wow....that title is so long I am not sure how it will render.  I don't often linger on dates as part of progression and moving forward measuring time between the present and the past I have found for me to be not accumulates to a kind of dwelling that is not conducive to moving forward.  Really, that is where I am now, if you had asked me this time last year, last May I would have been in the early stages of pregnancy with Gabriele and desperately nervous with hope.  

Now I have the hope, I cut the desperate, another thing that I had to let loose, let go of.  A sacrifice that Mums like me need to do in order to go on.  

Now, right now I am ready.  I picked myself up, dusted myself down, picked up all the emotional baggage I now get to carry around and made a decision.

I stand firm and I stand proud.  No regrets and a whole lot of pride and self respect.  I have more than most and less than others but that makes me no more and no less special than anyone here.  

Hummingbird in flight. Costa Rica. May 2012
I look around and still see people in a way worse position that us and am thankful every day for what I have not what I have lost.  Yet what I have lost is great and vast and never ending.  The spot it leaves behind empty and lingering.    The love I keep on giving in their names plentiful.

So I take what I have learnt, now that I found the smile I had lost and look towards the sun again.  Just like the hummingbird in my picture this is a snapshot of me in flight and any minute I may fall, swerve or stumble but I will always be back.  

Right where I am.  Today. 2012.  

Monday, 14 May 2012

Cautious or Reckless?

When you are young you have the ignorance of youth behind you and are generally reckless, carefree, ignorant and often appear uncaring and unsympathetic to others. I don't think that is the case. Ignorance protects us and there is lots of stuff that I wish I did not know but am grateful for knowing all the same, if that makes sense.

In the spirit of 'Pura Vida' culture, Costa Rica May 2012
Recklessness is born from ignorance because if we do not know and understand the true dangers, cannot understand what might happen, or simply choose not to believe that it will happen then we are still able to turn and simply ignore what don't know or we don't want to believe. 

This applies to all areas of life but holds so true for babyloss Mums. A loss brings to fruition and makes us feel punished for all the things we feel that we chose to ignore or didn't want to see. We put ourselves in the 'what if' scenario where a million things playback to us and we wonder if we hadn't done them if things would have turned out differently. 

A terrible burden of blame that weighs heavily on top of the loss and feeling of failure we are already suffering as Mothers. This is of course all natural as we grow older, the more 'stuff' we read, the more we learn, regardless as to whether in our particular situations we have any pre-existing conditions or any of the other million things that can interfere with a successful pregnancy and childbirth we probably still would not chose a bungy jump or would steer away from passive smoke in a room (just in case). 

I believe that we need to remember these things but also to accept the unknown. So rather than a question of reckless or cautious I think this needs to be more a balance between being aware and knowledgeable and the acceptance that a certain amount of chance remains a big part. To also be aware of our own ability to be accepting of all the things we cannot control and not become paranoid over the little things that we can. 

Most of all when we forget to look around and instead of being scornful of all those that will never know all the nasty things we do and sad things we have seen use those moments to remind ourselves how their lack of knowledge protects them and take those moments to remind ourselves of the importance of finding our own balance.  

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Little Quiet Words for a Special Day

So today is International Bereaved Mother's Day (was called International Babyloss Mother's Day).  A special day for mums who can't share it with their children, like me.  

I never expect any rough little handmade cards with the scrawled words of a child on them telling me how much they love me.  No serviced station flowers that Daddy has to hastily buy because 'he forgot'.  No chocolates, no breakfast in bed.  

I have never experienced any of these things only intense loss and the utter feeling of loneliness no matter how many people are around you.

That is my reality and my life at the moment.  To simply miss my children and feel that pain in my heart when I look around and see, one by one, my friends have their own children and distance themselves from me, after all we no longer have anything in common, we can't even share the same Mother's Day.

Hurt, and pain and loneliness yet an undeniable, unfaltering solid strength and determination to carry on.

Sun sets on another day without. 

Villa Caletas - Costa Rica

So for all babyloss mother's those who have and haven't achieved their Rainbow baby yet I send my best wishes and love to them today xxx