Friday, 25 August 2017

Embrace Every Moment

and before I knew it two years have passed since my last post nearly seven years ago I lost my first twins.  It doesn't feel like seven years but then sometimes it does.  Perhaps time isn't even the same anymore.  I felt today that I needed to post this quote since it reflects how I felt in each of the pregnancies subsequent to the first.  I knew where the journey was leading.  looking back I embraced and welcomed every moment even though it felt like it was killing me to do so, each tiny stitch on the clothes I sewed that they would wear when they were born, each funeral I prepared, each urn I collected.  Yet I believe that doing this helped lead me to where I stand today.

Last night I dreamt of Santino.  Dreaming of the boys who died is not uncommon.  Some dreams they are alive and playing with their living brothers but more often or not my mind takes me back to the moment.  The smells, the room, the Doctors, the hopelessness.

Last night was just Santino. 
 I was being told that he was dead, I knew that he was dead.  We were looking at scans and they mentioned that his legs weren't perfect but I said that it didn't matter because he wasn't going to live anyway.  
I felt him being born again.  The total absence of pain then giving him the little push and feeling his warm little body against my legs.  
Calling the nurse. 
Each time I think I dream its so as to create more time with them.
Today the dream has left me feeling bereft yet I embrace and welcome every minute of it.

If I had known then what I know now would I have changed anything?  The simple answer is I wouldn't have changed a single thing because if I had then I would have never seen the faces of L & M and I cannot imagine living without them.

Is it possible to feel joy again.  Yes, if you want to.  In fact I honestly believe that my happiness now is as high as my grief was low.  Losing the boys forced me to explore profoundly deep and earth shatteringly difficult places.  I learnt to live with the depths of these emotions to allow them to surface and by allowing myself to feel when it hurt the most means that now the joy and love I feel surpasses anything prior to it and for the most part stays.  I appreciate and welcome so much more.  Tolerate more and for some things a lot less!  

For anyone reading this right now who cannot say that they are nearly seven years into a loss journey I want you to know that you can do this.  You can get up and see another day, you will live again in colour and you can move past a tragedy at the same time as taking it with you and the fact that it never ends its totally OK because it becomes who you are and I am a better person for it.  If you want to and allow it to guide you.  Take a back seat and feel and you too will one day be smiling through the tears from your dreams like me and welcoming and embracing every moment that life offers you from herein.

I am still here.  If you need to reach out to me click Contact Me.  I will always answer. xx

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Looking up to those who are peering down

When my earth children look to heaven I like to think that my heaven children are looking right back down at is one of those moments in the chaos of my day that brings a quiet smile to my face.  I hope they can see the havoc their brother wreaking, I just know it would bring a smile to their faces.  To see live in technicolour being fulfilled in our house.

Some day we will all be together again.... until then.  Twins are One!!

Thursday, 6 November 2014

If you think our hands are full you should see our hearts!

If you think our hands are full 
you should see our hearts!

Ten whole months ago two adorable tiny little bundles arrived in this world and came to stay.  Since that day our lives have been completely chaotic, totally upsidedown but entirely fun!  

After I lost, I no longer remember, a kind lady said to me "In years to come you'll look back (as her Mum did who lost three babies before having her) and look at your children here on Earth and know that you would have never seen their faces if you hadn't given birth to angels" I don't know who that lady was, I haven't been able to contact her since to let her know - perhaps she was an angel too?  But this is so true, I can't imagine never having seen their faces and whilst it doesn't make me miss the others any less these two fill up my heart so much.

I realise that after all this time all it took was one smile - we were blessed with two :)

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Thinking about heaven.......thinking about them

and remembering all those that have gone much too soon......

"They sat that time in Heaven is compared to a 'blink of an eye' for us on Earth.  Sometimes it helps me to think of my children running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies.  So happy and completely caught up in what they are doing that by the time they turn around to see if I'm behind them......I will be"

I don't know who wrote this - does anyone know?  Whoever it was completely encapsulates a wonderful sentiment here which I tried to compliment with an appropriate image.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Wave of Light 2014

As with every year last night I remembered my boys.  

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Happy Birth Announcement!

L & M
January 2014
Born at 7:40am and 8:07am
2.2kg and 2.02kg

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam  (I will either find a way or make one)....

......and we did!

(birth story to come)

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Been thinking a lot.....

.....about the birth mainly in the last few days, about the differences from my other births.  So as I wind down this blog I want to continue the theme of reflection to mirror the thoughts and memories that I have been reminiscing about these last few weeks.

So aside from the obvious differences (it not being me who actually gives birth) I genuinely wonder what it will be like to actually be allowed to see the baby once he is born.  All the other times I have been told that it was better not to and the midwives would bundle the boys up and squirrel them away to be cleaned and dressed, they always came back but for various reasons I was never able to bathe my or dress the other boys myself.  

I realised that only actually ever held Santino.  I was too scared and in shock to hold the twins.  Gab, I remember vividly staring at him. He looked too fragile, delicate, like a doll that we were afraid he would break even more if we picked him up.  I really wanted to but never did.  I remember that I kissed them all.

What I did and didn't do with each of them, now seems to be the time to remember. I intend to consign these memories to storage, to file them away, not because I want to forget but I want to focus on my living children the ones that are here.  I know that lots of babyloss Mums take great pride in marking, voicing and living with their losses but as my blog posts have diminished so has my focus on marking the deaths of my children.  Not because I want to forget them, never, they are literally part of me and will forever hold their mark on my life but life is for living and I have been blessed with two baby boys who will be living and they deserve all my attention.  Another reason that I feel that I can do this is because I have absolutely no doubt that I will see my boys again, when I die it will be my time to be with them, I know that until then there will be no umbrage on me not focussing on them, after all we are separated at the moment and that is all it will be a momentary separation.  My time here on Earth, living, will be but a blink of the eye compared to the time I will get to spend with them - this I know - and for that reason I can, and will, finally pack away their things and allow myself to be guilt- free to feel the joy of my sons' arrival and immerse myself in happiness that I simply lost over the last few years.

It took me a while to find my Muchness, when I had found it I dabbled but didn't grab it, now is the time to seize it and never let it go.  To fly with it until my last breath. I wrote a long long time ago about how I wasn't sure how people live through the loss of babies but now I think I finally understand. There are two types of people that come through this; the first group forever remain sad and bitter and can't see past that day when they looked upon their children's still faces and the second group remember that day, pack the memory away find the colour all around again stand-up and walk forward.  I am the second type of person, the love and respect that I have accumulated over the last few years means that my heart is literally full to bursting point, somehow, despite having been shattered into pieces it also overcame the tragedies as they happened over and over.

I know with great certainty that when these boys make their entrance I will be all theirs and they will mend this old Mum's heart - they will be love.  This is the other side - I found it!