Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Living life, Surviving Life

Now there have been times when my 'sorry old self' has used this blog to pour out all the self-deprecating thoughts that I defined as warranting me to be credited with the title of 'Uber Sorry Old Self'.  However I wanted to bring someone over to my blog who is a complete source of inspiration for me, despite wading through a whole Nile's worth of rubbish herself, so guest starring on my blog today is Lisa Lynch and in particular Faith, which was her latest blog post.

Me and my Mum - surviving 'life'
Before I hear the uproar, I am aware that in the blogging world that one rarely resorts to crossing blog topics, so how I wound up on Lisa's site may come as a surprise.  I would really like to thank Lisa for having done me a massive favour earlier this year, basically after my first calamity when I lost the twins, you remember, that period when I opened the blog and the rambling started, my very own dear Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer.  

In one of my desperate moments faced with my own inner and outer turmoil I used Lisa's book as a substitute support for my Mum, knowing that I simply was unable to offer my shoulder to lean on at that particular moment as I was incredibly close to stellar collapse of epic, black hole, proportions myself.

So Psychologies magazine>Lisa's article>Amazon>Lisa's book>my Mum.  11 months later I found my way back to her blog, hoping to read all kinds of continuing wonderfulness on her road to recovery to find she is possibly in a worse scenario than me.  

That's not to say that this is a competition on who can be the most melancholy - no no no this is far worse than that.  I think of her often trying to figure out in my head what would be worse, it has warranted some serious head scratching on my part and if you don't believe me check out her blog and then will you get back to me with what you think?

As for my Mum, well her op and chemo all went well and she has the whole 5 year wait thing now.  I guess we are all waiting for something and hoping it will be something good.  Sometimes you are living life, sometimes it's about surviving life.  I know which one I am doing at the moment and there is no shame in that.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Upside Down

Classic Bondi, Sydney Australia Nov 2012
I flew away.  As far as is humanly possible.  I am in Australia, Sydney to be exact, having taken up residence with the international dateline.  The day I flew out I went to see the Consultant.  The post mortem came back confirming the same CHI issue with the placenta.  I did not envy him, the man who has the burden of putting together a plan for the medical oddity that is my body,  for 'a plan' for next time - next time.  I have to somehow find the strength for a next time.  The next will add a whole array of delicious chemicals and medicines to the ones I took last time.

I am a confirmed guinea pig yet, despite the concoction of medicines, they still cannot give me a guarantee, not even a 50/50 chance, that it will be successful.  He said it would be too optimistic, 50% is too optimistic. So I picked up all my notes, politely shook hands and said goodbye for now.  I walked out, no little box of hope this time, just a whole load of guessing and less than 50% chance of my ever having a baby.  That's when I flew away.

There is still no way I can leave it behind though, the baggage aka 'my life' came with me.  I wondered around Sydney today in my own company, marvelling at the oddity of Christmas in the heat of Summer.  I saw a million people and felt as I walked around that I am the only one there with this weird condition.

I see my boys everywhere.  Everywhere; each time a mother bends down to speak to her child, to push a pushchair, take a hand, raise a voice.  I see that as what should be me right now.  It isn't of course, instead I am technically upside down, on my own, on the opposite side of the globe to where I should be, working.  Always working.  I can't run far enough away.

Monday, 14 November 2011

The Road Less Travelled

Isle of Wight.
 I didn't write for a while but as the leaves continue to fall life rolls on and I went back to work.  Next week will mark six weeks and I am due for the dreaded debrief from the Hospital.  

I find that overwhelmingly this time the I only get the odd flash of the life before, a time before all this happened.  The time I get of guiltless, unburdened thought is fleeting and usually appears in the morning, as I wake.  I am gifted with a few seconds, not long, but for those moments where this didn't happen and I am not sad, forlorn, guilty, frustrated, lonely, mourning the loss of my boys.  But it all comes tumbling back and this day is the same as the day before.  Slowly, slowly I pull my weary body, mind and soul together and we plough on.

I am on the road less travelled and there is not turning back, no turning around.  My boys are with me often and I think of them throughout the day, I see their faces and can't help but wonder what I should be doing instead of hoovering or cleaning or on the phone at work.  But what I am doing is what I would be doing anyway 'loving them'

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference." -
Robert Frost

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Closing the Door Behind You

There was a chill in the air and the leaves fell was we crawled up the drive to the crematorium, if they hadn't have been recognisable as leaves you would have thought they were snow flakes, they were beautiful dancing down from the trees to gently meet the ground. 

The last time we went there had been a frost and the snow had just cleared.  This time, nine months later, it was a quintessentially autumnal day.  Today is All Soul's Day today or 'Día de los Muertos'.
Papà carried you in his arms into the crematorium, I walked next to you both.  We cried and we said goodbye again.  

There was nothing to fear from today because you are already gone and the worse has already happened.

Today we walked through the door of this year and all of the mess that came with it and out the other side.  This time I closed it, slammed it shut, and turned the key in the lock. That's what I failed to do last time, that mistake won't happen again.  This is the end of the chapter. 

Together we push forward because tomorrow starts a new one.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Just a Day....rainbows to ashes

Tomorrow is just a day.  It will be no longer and no shorter than any other day, the only distinguishing feature about tomorrow, the only thing that will separate it from the rest of the 365 repetitive days that come round each year ,is the fact that we will bury Gabriele.  Our third son and much wanted rainbow baby.  

What comes after a rainbow or when a rainbow ever comes, what then?

He is ready, packed with his favourite things, a blanket and teddies, a quarter coin from American and stickers of Formula 1 racing cars......all of these things I imagine to have been his favourite.  All this along with letters from Mamma, photos of his parents and a picture from his cousin Isabella.  I create an imaginary life for him to take away, to turn to ashes - like our dreams.

I was torn today as to whether I wanted to keep the blanket, the teddies, something.  But honestly, I am tired, I am tired of creating memories, lives, mementoes of babies, my children who I see but don't know.  I decided that I don't need the blanket it will go with him. 

Boxes.....my children are in boxes, they are buried in boxes, their memories are in boxes and all the baby 'stuff' I have accumulated over the last year and a half is packed in boxes.

I wish I could live in a box, just for a little while.  Just until I wasn't tired anymore.  Just until I didn't feel like I messed up so much. 

I hope that I can be the offered the opportunity to make amends.  At the moment the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that if I keep fixed on my blinked, forward view I can keep going.  When I make the mistake of looking sideways, to the present, or even glance backwards, that's where I see where the true horror lies.

Tomorrow is not just day, it is the day that our rainbow turns to ashes..........