Sunday, 24 March 2013

Evasive Action

After re-reading my last blog made a scrunched up face expression and decided to take some evasive action, the metaphorical 'slap around the face'.  

The first thing I did was start to tweet again and in a bolder fashion, the second thing I did was go and make something.....as winter as been a bit never ending this year the constant grey sky is undoubtably enough to get to anyone so it is important that as stubbornly insists on staying that I make the effort to be inspired in other ways.  So here are the things I prescribe to turn a dark mood around:

1 - Zumba.  I don't care where you have to go to do this but try it once and I thank my friend for insisting that I give it a go.  It is an almost surreal feeling standing in a room with 29 other women who don't have any rhythm either but who consider themselves to suddenly become masters of salsa.  For one hour I am a master of salsa and it feels so ridiculous that I challenge anyone to not end up with a silly Cheshire cat grin on your face by the end of it.

2 - Chocolate.  Poor for the diet great for the mood, tell me what tastes better than a slice of handmade dark chocolate torte?  Not shop bought mind you, this has to be homemade so that your house fills with the gorgeous smell of 85% cocoa solids.  Thanks to another friend for suggesting (no real persuasion required) we try 'Chocolate Therapy'.

Chocolate Therapy....

3 - Craft. Make something.  Doesn't matter how small, I have turned to photography, cards, watercolours and PVA glue in the last three weeks alone and it feels good, REAL good.  I pulled down my old A-level Art box from the loft, chucked out a whole load of dried up gouache paints then promptly made a trip to Craft World to buy some more 'stuff'.

If you can't manage all try one......if you do I promise to try and video the Zumba class, just to prove that you don't need illegal drugs to act like a fool in public!  :)

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Out there

I am out there on a limb, hung out to dry.  Well that's what it feels like at the moment, written off like some old mad person who just 'bothers'.  Of course I don't, bother that is, there is something that is incomplete and I believe it is only human nature to want to fix that.

Quite a lot of the time I feel like I am ignored now.  Not only by the medical community but by the majority of the babyloss one as well, there is almost a stubborn pride out there on 'who hurts the most' and me, not wanting to be part nor having been offered a part am left aside.  The extreme version and without any rainbows to speak of, my events remain current - my sons' closed eyes their defining legacy and ongoing memory that no one wants to hear about.

These last few weeks I have been missing all my sons a lot. Life events at the moment have forced me to uncover and sort through the things I bought for them and I find that some of them expired in 2011 - that's how long this has been going on, long enough for things to go out of date.  I refuse to part with these belongings voluntarily so I wait for them to fall apart, expire, dry out and perish.  Baby bottles, food, nappies, baby wipes, clothes, bibs.....the list is endless.  Finding my muchness didn't last long because there is no one to support you at home alone.

I have tried to write but felt unable, I am not really sure who even reads this anymore.  Life moves on and the crack that was our tragedy has been filled in and plastered over, perhaps even replaced by newer cracks.  Not for us mind you, I am not sure how couples survive this, we are at the moment but long term who knows.