Friday, 25 August 2017

Embrace Every Moment

and before I knew it two years have passed since my last post nearly seven years ago I lost my first twins.  It doesn't feel like seven years but then sometimes it does.  Perhaps time isn't even the same anymore.  I felt today that I needed to post this quote since it reflects how I felt in each of the pregnancies subsequent to the first.  I knew where the journey was leading.  looking back I embraced and welcomed every moment even though it felt like it was killing me to do so, each tiny stitch on the clothes I sewed that they would wear when they were born, each funeral I prepared, each urn I collected.  Yet I believe that doing this helped lead me to where I stand today.

Last night I dreamt of Santino.  Dreaming of the boys who died is not uncommon.  Some dreams they are alive and playing with their living brothers but more often or not my mind takes me back to the moment.  The smells, the room, the Doctors, the hopelessness.

Last night was just Santino. 
 I was being told that he was dead, I knew that he was dead.  We were looking at scans and they mentioned that his legs weren't perfect but I said that it didn't matter because he wasn't going to live anyway.  
I felt him being born again.  The total absence of pain then giving him the little push and feeling his warm little body against my legs.  
Calling the nurse. 
Each time I think I dream its so as to create more time with them.
Today the dream has left me feeling bereft yet I embrace and welcome every minute of it.

If I had known then what I know now would I have changed anything?  The simple answer is I wouldn't have changed a single thing because if I had then I would have never seen the faces of L & M and I cannot imagine living without them.

Is it possible to feel joy again.  Yes, if you want to.  In fact I honestly believe that my happiness now is as high as my grief was low.  Losing the boys forced me to explore profoundly deep and earth shatteringly difficult places.  I learnt to live with the depths of these emotions to allow them to surface and by allowing myself to feel when it hurt the most means that now the joy and love I feel surpasses anything prior to it and for the most part stays.  I appreciate and welcome so much more.  Tolerate more and for some things a lot less!  

For anyone reading this right now who cannot say that they are nearly seven years into a loss journey I want you to know that you can do this.  You can get up and see another day, you will live again in colour and you can move past a tragedy at the same time as taking it with you and the fact that it never ends its totally OK because it becomes who you are and I am a better person for it.  If you want to and allow it to guide you.  Take a back seat and feel and you too will one day be smiling through the tears from your dreams like me and welcoming and embracing every moment that life offers you from herein.

I am still here.  If you need to reach out to me click Contact Me.  I will always answer. xx

2 comments:

Cindy Lou said...

I have been thinking about you, even though we do not know each other. I think of your story and hope that you are happy and hope your boys that are with you here are doing well. I know that the time will come when you will have all your boys and it will be joyous. I'm so glad you wrote a post. thank you!

CB said...

I am genuinely happy. When life has been so low and you know what that looks like when life is great it is equally as high. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you all kinds of wonderful xxx

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