Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Still Learning to Live Again

Today was a day that reminded me that, not only do I still mostly live in a bubble I have created but venturing out of that bubble chaffs a little and makes me recoil a little but doesn't actually make me spontaneously meltdown, which in some ways was what I feared the most.  

It is almost like teaching myself how to do something, to be able to 'just do' what should be a mundane everyday task and take part without shying away and retreating to the fringes, the shadows in a hope to be ignored and forgotten.

That task today was sitting in town with a friend that had twins after I lost mine.  Feeding them and seeing the irony in juggling the feeding of two mouths, both vying for the yummy baby glop and pausing for a minute thinking this should be me, my children should be here.  I wonder what it would have been like......back to hungry little mouths.  

But they are not.
They are not here.
I will not do this with my children ever.

I know and understand this now, but this is not a reason to keep myself cut off from life because I am here.  

Friday, 17 August 2012

Two Hearts Beating

So, due to some very clever followers on Twitter it appears that I have accidentally gone public and it's about time that I come out of the cupboard (blatantly I'm not gay) but yes I have got two hearts beating at the moment.  Mine and another. We know that bit so well.

These are the caveats for me sharing this information and you reading it:
- Not to mention for the time being, lets be 'hush, hush'
- Don't come running to me gushing with 'congratulations' 
- Try not rub in how pudding-like my body looks

If you can stick to these three things then I might be able to tell a little bit more of what is going on.  Quickly, so read the following in an allegretto tempo.......

I am over 12 weeks, just.  I am on a shed load of drugs (including the vitamins, I take 15 different ones a day) which are making my skin like sandpaper and my moods more evil than normal.  

I am having another three injected, twice a day, inserted (you know where), three times a day and have another intravenously every four weeks.  Blood tests galore and scans and checks and scans and checks......yes, be as exhausted as I am.  Verdict?  So far so good.

It is almost a fulltime job in itself.  But back to real life I have been trying to carry on as normal, very few people know, and I am wearing 'tent-like' fashion in an effort to hide the pudding.  Trying not to let this interfere too much with everything else - what a balancing act.

You see it is too early, much, much too early to feel confident.  I prefer to be quietly optimistic as well acknowledging the pessimistic as this whole thing unfolds again and we, as yet, cannot at any point know what the outcome will be.  

This is me right now, without any expectation but full of hope.  This is me. Phew!

Friday, 3 August 2012

Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your children on your way

I haven't been around for a while, I know and I'm sorry.  Not that I haven't been sitting around doing nothing I have been up to an awful lot.  Most of which is neither of interest nor concern for people that visit here, for the rest - well all I can say is that I don't want to allude to anything at this time.  Let's just wait a bit longer.

So it is August.  I had a rather uneventful Birthday this year but that falls in with all annual events really, they just don't hold the same meaning or excitement that they used to, the best present of all still hasn't arrived and until it does there is a little 'what is the point?' that goes through my head.  

I dreamt I was in a game of Monopoly a few nights ago.  I kept trying to go forward but each time I got about half the way around red lights starting flashing and the message 'Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your children on your way' and I went backwards to start again.  I couldn't get to the end and I woke up most frustrated.  

No prizes for figuring that dream out, I do feel that I get halfway to then be pushed back to the start and of course I am not actually in jail but sometimes the stasis that I have found my life in for two years now could have been a type of jail if I hadn't ensured that it wasn't and did everything to make sure that I got up, that I didn't dwell and that I just got out there.

Small wins, that is what it is about.  Remembering that lots of little things accumulate in the end.  The big prize?  Mayfair - with four hotels and a couple of kids but hey, we need to get past the halfway point before we can start thinking about that :)