Friday, 30 September 2011

Time to say goodbye.....

Today we were told there is no hope left.  Dopplers are now reversed and the heart is starting to struggle.  There has been precious little weight gain.  I am 26 weeks and 5 days.  Our baby is dying, we didn't even find out the sex but as it will only be a few more days I know we will find out soon.

I look at how glorious the sky is today, I wish I could hold him/her close while I tell him/her not to be afraid.  Instead I have to have my doppler in hand and use it until I no longer here the heartbeat.

I hope it doesn't hurt in there.

I know that his/her brothers are just waiting to play together.  That is where my family is now.  Heaven can expect my third child any day now......we have another funeral to prepare for, two funerals, three babies all in one year.....

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Waiting for God

Yesterday I took my baby to sit in the sun.  I popped a sunbed in the garden and lifted my top above my bump.

I hope that my baby's little eyes could see the sun and feel the warmth through my belly and find it as much as a comfort as I do.
Three weeks ago I was signed off work and started waiting for God.  Yesterday while I was lying in the sun I talked to my baby, explaining how wonderful it would be if he stayed and how much I hoped that despite him growing slowly if he could just grow a little more before the placenta stops working I promise to take him/her to the seaside and see the sea which makes the sun even more spectacular.

I talked about how the noises we could hear were birds and what they looked like, especially the little Robin who is always around.

I told him/her that I was sorry that I didn't do more to get referred after this happened to the twins, that only now the doctors seem to recognise just how real a chance this had of coming back.  We should have been referred, my baby didn't need to be in this position now.  There are treatments that we could have followed.....if only the Doctors had actually listened....

I then prayed again that this would please turn out well.......because that is all we have left now.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Day and Night

Sometimes there are no words to describe how it feels, I broke my placenta, again.  No emotion that can encompass the soul destroying nature of constantly having to face bad news.  

I wrote an entry a while back entitled 'Night and Day', I re-read it and remembered how it felt, I cherished every great scan we had and seeing my baby so happy inside me.

Early pregnancy, when everything was wonderful!
Night is back the storm arrived.  The Dopplers read 'absent flow' yesterday. We have been told there is nothing more we can do except wait and hope that somehow the baby will put on a little weight.  

So we back to waiting, being still, unmoving, scared to do anything go anywhere.  We are here, one more day.  We continue to fight, one more week. 

We received so many well wishers, ladies I have never met that have reached through cyberspace to send their prayers.  I thank them all.

I am strong because I know weakness,
I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering,
I am alive because I am a fighter,
I am wise because I've been foolish,
I can laugh because I have known sadness.
I can love because I've known loss.

Hold on little one - We love you xx

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis (CHI)

This is the end result, it is what they will find but due to lack of research they don't know what causes it.  The only group I could find is on Facebook where 50 women worldwide all huddle together after our varying degrees of success with having babies.  Who knows how many more out there have had it go undetected or didn't find us yet?

One of them also hosted the only website dedicated to it and posts medical papers there:  If you search it on Google you retrieve 2,000 results, that's all.

Limited research, unknown cause.  What is certain is the high probability that it will reoccur and the high rate of fetal mortality.

For a layman explanation you can read this post: My Rock and Hard Place which explains with photos and everything exactly what happens and what it looks like.

So by adding a post I hope to add to the search results.  While my baby and I await our sentence this time.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Batten down the hatches....

How can this be happening again?  It was all going so well then, last week the doppler checks showed that something is going wrong again.  The exact same thing is going wrong this time as it did with Vincenzo at this point last time.

I am 24 weeks and two days pregnant they want to deliver but the baby isn't big enough.  That viability question again, baby simply isn't big enough, estimated weight is 400gm.  Needs to be 500gm.  May not manage that extra 100gm before the placenta stops working entirely. I have maybe a couple of weeks, tops.

To say this happened once could be a fluke.  For it to happen twice at exactly the same point means that there is something seriously going wrong here.

I wait, to be referred again to Oxford.  
I pray, that the sickness I feel in my stomach I can push to one side just long enough so that I can eat so that maybe some of it will squeeze into the baby who is fighting so hard.  
I relax and think positive thoughts in the face of everything screaming at me inside the opposite.

I batten down the hatches.........a storm is coming.......a hurricane threatening to sweep away the perfect hope that I had nurtured inside me along with this little one.

Is my third child also destined to be a forever angel?  What an earth have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?