Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Shards of my Heart

Last few days before I go back to work.  My heart is still in shards and I wonder how I can remain so unchanged on the outside and yet feel like a completely different person on the inside.

I look in the mirror and the face that stares back is so familiar but somehow completely inappropriate.   That isn't me anymore, that was the other person; the child, the girl, the woman, the wife before I became this  -the mother whose body didn't nurture.  My heart keeps beating and yet I sometimes believe it doesn't deserve to, I feel that don't deserve to still breathe the life I failed to grant to what we created.

That should qualify me for a physical metamorphosis I am certain that I shouldn't look the same, surely if I won't be punished I should be changed physically.  Yet I cannot think what else or who else I should look like, after all when I pass other women and ladies on the street can I tell that they are also Mothers of children, none living?

During these internal discussions it is usually my head that steps in and pulls my martyred soul and tortured heart into line convincing my soul to be reasonable and my heart to cease being so sentimental.  Suddenly I realise just how many different parts makes a person.  What a complicated thing a person is........


Becky said...

I just went back to work last week and I surprisingly handled it pretty well. I hope it will also go well for you. I completely agree on feeling like a whole different person on the inside and yet unchanged on the out, if only others could understand

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