Monday, 21 March 2011

The Grass is Not Greener - it is just hay over there!

Everything seems so very rushed in the haze of panic but at the same time it appears to happen in complete slow motion.  I know that the Doctors and Nurses were trying to do well but I only wish they would have listened.

We are the Mums, we know, despite being slightly crazy, yelling and looking probably manic.  We know.  

I wish I had made them listen.  Because of my lack of insistence, I didn't get to hold my boys, they did ask me initially but I said I wanted to hold them together so when Benedetto was also delivered they took them both away.  

They came back together nestled in a basket.  So very fragile, I couldn't bear to pick them up, I couldn't bring myself to do it they just looked too small I thought I would break them, perhaps do them more damage than I had already.

I don't know exactly why but I wish I had now.

The Highlands of Scotland, where we ran away
I read that some Mother's wish for a funeral.  Personally I could have easily spared myself the funeral and registration of their 'still' births, in some ways I think it makes it worse, having to organise a funeral, go to the registry office, carry a coffin, write a service, choose the music (read earlier posts to see what I went through).

In retrospect I think it is safe to consider that we will all wish for the 'other' way, the grass is always greener over there, on the other side to our field of regrets where I stand waist high in the sticky, insipid dull grass field that moans 'I should have held them',  'I should have taken more photos immediately', 'insisted on hand prints straight away', 'not had to do a funeral', 'make my DH carry the coffin of his dead sons'  etc etc 

But that was the 'package' we received. All those aspects make it our story, the things that did happen, the things that didn't, the things we regret.  

The most important are the things we cherish. 
For me it was knowing they were inside and alive and all mine for the precious weeks we were together.  For those 25 weeks I had a whole family inside of me.

2 comments:

Becky said...

I think we all wish for more. I will always regret not holding Liam longer, taking more pictures, studying his little body. Like you said the grass always appears to be greener.
But I do cherish my 25 weeks with him also. Thinking of you all

New Year Mum said...

It's so true that the most important are the things we cherish... every little memory... every little kick. Those will stay with us forever. Thinking of you xoxo

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