Ambivalence

Not an feeling I was well acquainted with previously.  I was used to be pretty much a 'say it, do it' person.  

Now I keep getting huge examples of ambivalence, when I least expect them and often in public.  An example was yesterday, one of my dearest colleagues at work is pregnant.  The original idea was we were going to try to be pregnant together but I fell pregnant first and then she was on catch-up.  

It is all over for me and she just passed 25 weeks.  All of the initial concerns the scans displayed for her were gone yesterday.  She got the all clear.

I ran to find her when she came to work in the afternoon.  I really wanted to know, and and truly want everything to be just perfect for her.  When she told me that everything is fine, her baby girl is growing and all is well I was thrilled.

We hugged, I was happy.  

Then it was like a stab.  

Flashes; Why? Why didn't that happen to me? So unfair!  We should both be pregnant right now!  My sons are dead. Why didn't it go that way for me as it is for her?

Then it is soooo hard, being delighted for my colleague and profoundly sad for myself.  Sad doesn't even describe it.  Dismayed, sorrowful, miserable, disappointed, depressed - not even the thesaurus is helping here.  Ambivalence. True ambivalence. 

Then the tears come......