Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Final Goodbye

We knew this day would come and I had talked to you about it all the time.  Little did I know that you had your own plans to make it unique and memorial for us on that wet and windy Wednesday.

No contractions came so even though I knew you had gone on the Sunday it was only on Wednesday that Papa' took us to hospital and they tried to induce you to arrive.  I waited all morning and at 3pm only a few tummy pains indicated that something was happening, at 6pm they stopped completely.  It was like the sea suddenly going calm, I feared that this was going to be the precursor for real labour to start and braced myself.  Held Papa's hand, lay there, waiting.

At 1825hrs you arrived; quickly, silently, painlessly, perfectly.  I only had time to turn to Papa and tell him you were coming, there wasn't even enough time to call the midwife.  I didn't even push.  I didn't need to because you were so kind to me.


Mummy holding your perfect little hand.


I held you, I bought a special book and read and sung the lullabies to you.  I took photos and the priest came to bless you, we gave you your presents and talked about how perfect your tiny hands and feet were. Your eyes were open but you couldn't see us, that is always the saddest thing, I wanted to show you Papa' because you looked like him.  You looked like your brothers too.  We will forever miss you Santino, our 'little Saint'.

Someone told me that I have a quartet of angels now and think that is more than enough for anyone.  This is not a wonder of modern medicine, I am an example of a mystery.  A mystery that has taken my whole family that should otherwise have been here.

12 comments:

ClaraT said...

Sending lots of love to you and S and little Santino. This is a horrendous journey we are on. Modern medicine and all it's wonders can do nothing for us it seems. Between us, God has 9 beautiful children in Heaven now. That's enough, he can't have any more. xxx

Steph Duggan said...

You write so beautifully. I am thinking of you and your perfect children. Sending all of you my love at this extremely difficult time. You have no idea how often I think of you and wish I could comfort you in some way xx

Becky said...

Claudia I am sorry I haven't checked in with you these last few days. Santino's hand is precious. And I love that you bought a special book for him. I wish your time with him could've been longer.

little vitu's mom said...

Just came to know this through Becky's blog. My heart breaks for you Claudia. I just wish Santino had stayed with his mamma and papa. Tears.

Caroline said...

Here from Becky's blog - to just say how very sorry I am, sending you strength and love

B. Wilson said...

Becky sent me as well. I'm so sorry and so sad. It breaks me every single time I see beautiful babies gone too soon. It's not fair and I'm just so broken for you guys. You should be holding your babies.

Molly said...

Fellow BLM Here from Becky's blog. And so so sad to hear about your babies. Here I am having a rough day, and I know yours must be worse with such a recent loss, and a fourth at that. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. Thinking of you and all of your precious children. Y'all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

KnottedFingers said...

I'm a fellow baby loss mom here from Becky's blog also. I'm so sorry to read of another loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers

Bluebell Angel said...

My thoughts and heart are with you Claudia. Once again, it never fails to amaze me how you put into such beautiful words something so painful. It's just not right what you've had to go through. Santino sounds perfect and your boys will be the most beautiful quartet of brothers. I am glad you had time with him to make his arrival so special. You are truly an amazingly thoughtful mummy to all of them. Hugs honey xxxx

SG said...

Also here from Becky's blog. I'm so sorry you had to say another early goodbye. <3

Janine Oakman said...

Claudia I'm so so sorry. There are no words but to say you are both in my thoughts and my heart. His is truly the most perfect little hand. My tears are for you xx

Ben Wakeling said...

This is a beautifully written post, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you very much xx

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