Saturday, 9 March 2013

Out there

I am out there on a limb, hung out to dry.  Well that's what it feels like at the moment, written off like some old mad person who just 'bothers'.  Of course I don't, bother that is, there is something that is incomplete and I believe it is only human nature to want to fix that.

Quite a lot of the time I feel like I am ignored now.  Not only by the medical community but by the majority of the babyloss one as well, there is almost a stubborn pride out there on 'who hurts the most' and me, not wanting to be part nor having been offered a part am left aside.  The extreme version and without any rainbows to speak of, my events remain current - my sons' closed eyes their defining legacy and ongoing memory that no one wants to hear about.

These last few weeks I have been missing all my sons a lot. Life events at the moment have forced me to uncover and sort through the things I bought for them and I find that some of them expired in 2011 - that's how long this has been going on, long enough for things to go out of date.  I refuse to part with these belongings voluntarily so I wait for them to fall apart, expire, dry out and perish.  Baby bottles, food, nappies, baby wipes, clothes, bibs.....the list is endless.  Finding my muchness didn't last long because there is no one to support you at home alone.

I have tried to write but felt unable, I am not really sure who even reads this anymore.  Life moves on and the crack that was our tragedy has been filled in and plastered over, perhaps even replaced by newer cracks.  Not for us mind you, I am not sure how couples survive this, we are at the moment but long term who knows.


8 comments:

Catherine W said...

I read. I care. I miss your boys. Your sweet sons.

I don't know how we survive - even the loss of one. I just don't know. I'm sorry you feel ignored. I would offer you a part, you are entitled to a part? I don't know . . . my door is open, my ears are listening. I appreciate that I am not who you are looking for?

But I hope. Because it is all that I can do. Dear mama, dear boys. You are not forgotten xo

Rachel Anderson said...

Hugs to you. I lost my first baby six years ago this month (and three since) and that feeling no on else remembers them is hard. But, it isn't true. They touched you and everything you do now is a part of their legacy.

ClaraT said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ClaraT said...

I'm still here, still reading and still hoping along with you. I also feel ignored now - the medical community are at a standstill and scratching their heads. Also, what we have gone through is beyond the understanding of most angel mummies... the loss continues, there are no living children, no treatment plans to help us get our rainbows. I feel like a lot of other bereaved mothers I have met on this journey are on a different path now. Spending mother's day with their rainbows whilst between us we grieve for 9 little ones. I am so glad they are not going through further loss but I also wish I was that mummy - with a little face smiling up at me today. So hard.

I also don't know how we keep going but we do. One foot in front of the other, a bit at a time and we keep moving forward. It is so incredibly hard though. Always here for you xx

Breeze Danby said...

I am still here....
I just feel helpless....
I think of you and your boys often,
I know this isn't the end....
Always Here if you need me :-) xxxx

Cindy Lou said...

Hello Claudia,
I'm still here. I'm waiting for a day that you will be able to smile and know that your boys are waiting. I do believe that you will have a chance to raise your boys. My heart aches for you and your loss. I wish I knew the answers you need. I wish I could sit down with you and talk. I would give you a hug. We would go outside and look at the beautiful world we live in. May you have a good day!

James Garety said...

I have only just discovered your blog from Twitter - don't stop writing! The parent's of the stillborn need to raise their voice and your story is so powerful. xxx

CB said...

To each and every one of you that took the time to stop by and say 'hi'. Thank you, it lifted my spirits no end. xxx May we all find our peace the the best possible way.......

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