Saturday, 26 May 2012

Right Where I Am.....1yr, 4mths, 2wks and 5 days followed by 7 months, 2 weeks and 3 days

Wow....that title is so long I am not sure how it will render.  I don't often linger on dates as part of progression and moving forward measuring time between the present and the past I have found for me to be not helpful.....it accumulates to a kind of dwelling that is not conducive to moving forward.  Really, that is where I am now, if you had asked me this time last year, last May I would have been in the early stages of pregnancy with Gabriele and desperately nervous with hope.  


Now I have the hope, I cut the desperate, another thing that I had to let loose, let go of.  A sacrifice that Mums like me need to do in order to go on.  


Now, right now I am ready.  I picked myself up, dusted myself down, picked up all the emotional baggage I now get to carry around and made a decision.


I stand firm and I stand proud.  No regrets and a whole lot of pride and self respect.  I have more than most and less than others but that makes me no more and no less special than anyone here.  


Hummingbird in flight. Costa Rica. May 2012
I look around and still see people in a way worse position that us and am thankful every day for what I have not what I have lost.  Yet what I have lost is great and vast and never ending.  The spot it leaves behind empty and lingering.    The love I keep on giving in their names plentiful.


So I take what I have learnt, now that I found the smile I had lost and look towards the sun again.  Just like the hummingbird in my picture this is a snapshot of me in flight and any minute I may fall, swerve or stumble but I will always be back.  


Right where I am.  Today. 2012.  

14 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I remember reading your post last year about your beautiful boys Vincenzo and Benedetto and I'm so heartbroken to read you lost your Gabriele as well. LIfe can be so desperately cruel and unfair. I am so very, very sorry.
xo

Catherine W said...

Beautifully written. I think your soul must resemble that hummingbird, always returning, in full flight. I am glad you are standing firm. I can almost feel your decisiveness and pride coming through the screen from your words.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins, Vincenzo and Benedetto, and your Gabriele. They have a very special mama, like that beautiful, hovering hummingbird.

Becky said...

I really admire your courage through this. I am now a month out from losing my rainbow and doing all I can to find some kind of hope for the future.

Sara said...

Such hope—so sorry for your losses

Angela said...

Your words are so strong and proud. I am sorry for the loss of your twins, Vincenzo and Benedetto and your Gabriele. Your children have a beautiful, strong mother, just like that hummingbird

still life angie said...

This is so beautiful. Hope without desperation is inspiring, like sand through the fingers at time for me, but it is inspiring. Thank you, Claudia, for sharing where you are. xo Love to you as always.

Curls O Fred said...

Thank you for sharing. You are beautiful in your words, and actions. Sending love and remembering your babes.

Jessica said...

"any minute I may fall, swerve or stumble but I will always be back" - beautifully written. Thank you for sharing <3

Merry said...

You sound brave and strong and true to yourself and your babies. It's a beautiful post.

Arcadia said...

"I have more than most and less than others but that makes me no more and no less special than anyone here." - So very, very true.. You sound so brave, so full of courage and strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you, Vincenzo, Benedetto and Gabriele (such beautiful names). I am so sorry for your losses.

ClaraT said...

Claudia, you continue to inspire and help give strength and hope to others. You are a very special mummy and a truly wonderful friend. We have both lost so much but the truly special friendships that have come from loss give us strength and hope for the journey we are embarking on. Much love x

Amelia said...

I am so glad you are finding your smile! I wish that for us all!

Fireflyforever said...

"No regrets and a whole lot of pride and self respect."

Your post is so full of love for your babies and a nourishment that I find very powerful.

Thank you for sharing where you are now.

erica said...

There is so much love in this post, is what I keep coming back to. I am so very sorry for your losses, and so very grateful to you for sharing your love for your children here.

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