Upside Down

Classic Bondi, Sydney Australia Nov 2012

I flew away.  As far as is humanly possible.  I am in Australia, Sydney to be exact, having taken up residence with the international dateline.  The day I flew out I went to see the Consultant.  The post mortem came back confirming the same CHI issue with the placenta.  I did not envy him, the man who has the burden of putting together a plan for the medical oddity that is my body,  for 'a plan' for next time - next time.  I have to somehow find the strength for a next time.  The next will add a whole array of delicious chemicals and medicines to the ones I took last time.

I am a confirmed guinea pig yet, despite the concoction of medicines, they still cannot give me a guarantee, not even a 50/50 chance, that it will be successful.  He said it would be too optimistic, 50% is too optimistic. So I picked up all my notes, politely shook hands and said goodbye for now.  I walked out, no little box of hope this time, just a whole load of guessing and less than 50% chance of my ever having a baby.  That's when I flew away.

There is still no way I can leave it behind though, the baggage aka 'my life' came with me.  I wondered around Sydney today in my own company, marvelling at the oddity of Christmas in the heat of Summer.  I saw a million people and felt as I walked around that I am the only one there with this weird condition.

I see my boys everywhere.  Everywhere; each time a mother bends down to speak to her child, to push a pushchair, take a hand, raise a voice.  I see that as what should be me right now.  It isn't of course, instead I am technically upside down, on my own, on the opposite side of the globe to where I should be, working.  Always working.  I can't run far enough away.