Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Just a Day....rainbows to ashes

Tomorrow is just a day.  It will be no longer and no shorter than any other day, the only distinguishing feature about tomorrow, the only thing that will separate it from the rest of the 365 repetitive days that come round each year ,is the fact that we will bury Gabriele.  Our third son and much wanted rainbow baby.  

What comes after a rainbow or when a rainbow ever comes, what then?

He is ready, packed with his favourite things, a blanket and teddies, a quarter coin from American and stickers of Formula 1 racing cars......all of these things I imagine to have been his favourite.  All this along with letters from Mamma, photos of his parents and a picture from his cousin Isabella.  I create an imaginary life for him to take away, to turn to ashes - like our dreams.

I was torn today as to whether I wanted to keep the blanket, the teddies, something.  But honestly, I am tired, I am tired of creating memories, lives, mementoes of babies, my children who I see but don't know.  I decided that I don't need the blanket it will go with him. 

Boxes.....my children are in boxes, they are buried in boxes, their memories are in boxes and all the baby 'stuff' I have accumulated over the last year and a half is packed in boxes.

I wish I could live in a box, just for a little while.  Just until I wasn't tired anymore.  Just until I didn't feel like I messed up so much. 

I hope that I can be the offered the opportunity to make amends.  At the moment the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that if I keep fixed on my blinked, forward view I can keep going.  When I make the mistake of looking sideways, to the present, or even glance backwards, that's where I see where the true horror lies.

Tomorrow is not just day, it is the day that our rainbow turns to ashes..........


Becky said...

Thinking about you and your sweet Gabriele today.

Ange said...

Thinking of you

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