See you later alligator......

He left us last night, as silently as he arrived.  I felt it this time though and when I listened for a heartbeat on the doppler this morning I knew I wouldn't hear him, I already knew.

Now that has always been the hardest bit.  Here we are again saying goodbye to another child and being left behind with a strange sort of grief this time.  It has felt almost commonplace, separate, continuous but it is the normal that we know rather than the earth shattering surprise it has been in the past.

Difficult to describe.  For me I am relieved, relieved because I know this is the last time.  We will not be trying again and I really had no desire to ever be pregnant ever again anyway because of this overwhelming saddest it has brought us.  The empty hope, quiet despair and sad memories are all that have filled the last two/three years.

Every journey ends but we go on.......and so we must.  Is this the end?  No, never.  If you have learnt anything about me by reading this blog you know I never give up but I am not stupid enough to keep trying, I accept that until someone out there understands the mechanisms behind what happens and why I am allergic to pregnancy then I would be a fool to hope that another pregnancy would end any differently.  However first we need to concentrate on little Tico, he will be arriving soon and I will get to say hello his eternally innocent face at the same time I also say "see you later alligator".