Sunday, 18 November 2012

See you later alligator......

He left us last night, as silently as he arrived.  I felt it this time though and when I listened for a heartbeat on the doppler this morning I knew I wouldn't hear him, I already knew.

Now that has always been the hardest bit.  Here we are again saying goodbye to another child and being left behind with a strange sort of grief this time.  It has felt almost commonplace, separate, continuous but it is the normal that we know rather than the earth shattering surprise it has been in the past.

Difficult to describe.  For me I am relieved, relieved because I know this is the last time.  We will not be trying again and I really had no desire to ever be pregnant ever again anyway because of this overwhelming saddest it has brought us.  The empty hope, quiet despair and sad memories are all that have filled the last two/three years.

Every journey ends but we go on.......and so we must.  Is this the end?  No, never.  If you have learnt anything about me by reading this blog you know I never give up but I am not stupid enough to keep trying, I accept that until someone out there understands the mechanisms behind what happens and why I am allergic to pregnancy then I would be a fool to hope that another pregnancy would end any differently.  However first we need to concentrate on little Tico, he will be arriving soon and I will get to say hello his eternally innocent face at the same time I also say "see you later alligator".


Lisa Sissons said...

Love to you and your husband. I am really at a loss for words, so please just know that I am thinking of you and mourning with you.

Shauna said...

So Sorry for the loss of another one of your beautiful babies. May you find a little peace as you meet your angel baby. ((Hugs))

kate said...

Sending huge hugs to you and your husband, I follow your blog as I too lost my first born twin boys but I cannot imagine the pain of losing 2 more gorgeous little ones.
I really hope that in the future your condition will be better understood by the medical world and that a cure can be found.

Maria said...

A great big hug. I'm so sorry.

Un abbraccio forte e tanti bacini alati ai tuoi piccolini.


Becky said...

Goodbye sweet little Tico. You are loved, wanted, and will never be forgotten.

ClaraT said...

There are no words Claudia. Wishing you a peaceful meeting with your little man. His big brothers will be waiting with open arms. Much love to you and S xx

Anonymous said...

there are no words but it seemed wrong to come and go without saying something. much love to you and your family as you say farewell to your precious boy

Lynne Cardona said...

A sad farewell to your baby boy. I am so sorry you find yourself here again, I, and undoubtedly all of us who have found ourselves following your journey had hoped for a different outcome.

Buona notte Angioletto di Mamma, sarai sempre nel suo cuore.

Take care
Lynne x

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