Friday, 2 November 2012

A lifetime in a few weeks..........

Most parents when they find out they are pregnant start planning for the fact that the next xx number of years is going to be a whole new direction.  The whole shift in their lives takes place, they buy a new car, they decorate a room they may even have to buy that new house.

When you carry a baby that will die before its born your life shifts and condenses into those weeks, except you cannot see that child, you may never even feel that child move, you are told it is there and you have an extra heart beating.

That is what I have at the moment, an extra heart beating.  I have not written before because I wanted this time to be that sacred time together with a big 'surprise!' to everyone at the end.  Today we were told that this will not happen.

So, from today we wrap-up this baby boy's lifetime in a few short weeks.  How we made him in Costa Rica and how he will die here in the UK before his first Christmas.  

To-date I have taken 504 pessaries, 6 intravenous infusions, 672 steroid tablets, 20 subcutaneous injections, 336 normal injections and 1,512 different vitamins and minerals.  

The tragic thing is that this treatment plan doesn't appear to have made any difference.  He won't make it, he is just too small and the growth is slowing down.

There was no good news/bad news from the Consultant today.  He passed sentence: a choice for the convicted, to terminate or wait.  That is no choice to make at all for this child expected in the UK in 2012.  It is an archaic story straight from the pages of a Medieval book, I should not be a face of forgotten modern medicine - there is so much that could have been done to prevent this, all this would have taken is research.  This is not what should happen.

We still have so much to show him and yet he will be stillborn.  My fourth child.......will be given to fly


Lisa Sissons said...

Sending you all the love I have right now Claudia. I truly am at a loss for words because I truly believed that you would have a different outcome this time.

You've been amazing to me, and if there is anything in the world you need please shout. Even if it is just an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

Lots and lots of love,

Lynne Cardona said...

There are no words, other than to say that I am so sorry, and that you deserved a different outcome!
Life doesn't make sense to me sometimes, this is too much.

Becky said...

Claudia I so wish things could have been different this time. It is unfair for any mother to have to go through babyloss once but to now have to experience for a third time. Thinking of you and your babies always my friend:)

ClaraT said...

There are no words. This is just the most devastating news Claudia. Here for you any time as you know. Thinking of you and your little one constantly. I'm still so sad that this treatment has not worked. Sending you love and strength and hope xxx

Ange said...

I so hoped it would be different this time. Thinking of you and your beautiful boys

Leanne V said...

Devastating news. My heart breaks for you. I would give anything to change this for you. Sending all my love and prayers during this time xxxx

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