Friday, 30 December 2011

Wrapping Up a Year....

I am ready for this year to end with an impatience that surprises me.  Looking back I have actually surprised myself constantly this year.  I have been knowledgeable in a whole area of death that most never even have to think about, let alone live through.  It should be something you have to list on your CV 'expert in child deaths and burials' as a qualification, ask me I can go through the whole thing with you.  I would sincerely like to not to have to draw on this new-found expertise again any time soon. 

Brothers together on a Windowsill
UK December 2012
In an effort to tie off all loose ends I collected Gabriele from the funeral directors yesterday and brought him home, my parting words to the lady that has arranged both funerals with me was that I hoped not to see her again in 2012.  I Gabriele home and decided to put his urn in with his brothers in their Memory box rather than leaving him alone so I carved out a space amongst all the meaningless 'stuff' and sat him there.

So now 2011 draws to a close and I need to make some more choices.  In some ways I have yet again been put back to the starting block but I now look at the race from a different angle, I have been given a disadvantage penalty that I didn't know I had when I first started this whole thing back in August 2009.  The other runners in my original race are so far ahead now they are either lapping me or have finished it completely.  

I continue to have hope but I am not counting on it, the sad truth is that I don't think anyone else does either.  After I lost Gabriele people stopped telling me that it was 'just bad luck' and that we could 'try again', this time it isn't mentioned and when it is they ask 'have you thought about adoption'.  

In essence I have been written off by the general populous, which makes it all the more harder on me to justify this myself.  But then my empty house echoes back at me and that is the justification.  Surely.  


Cindy Lou said...

You do not know me or I you. I have found your blog through a mutual blog. I have read and re-read many of your posts. I have no great words and I don't have a cure. I just want you to know that I think about you and pray for you that you may be able to find some peace. I know that you will see your boys again. I hope that 2012 brings you happiness.

Olivia said...

Hi Claudia, I found your blog thru facebook on the CHI page, I too had a baby born sleeping in July 2010, a girl we named Ruth. I weep everytime I read your blog or your posts, I hear your pain in the words you write.
I want to encourage you, to have faith, not to give up and write yourself off as others have done. My husband and I couldn't have gotten thru loosing Ruth without our faith. The pain is there even now, she would have turned one in Dec just gone, but I felt like God carried me thru the first year, especially, in His hands. I pray you will know that too and the peace that comes with it.
I believe God has a plan and purpose in our lives when we surrender to Him, and if I had to go thru the pain of loosing our daughter just to tell other woman of the peace and hope I found in Him when she died, I will do this. I seen no other way too get thru the pain of facing another day, and for the first year, I wondered if I could ever talk about her without that pain and ache inside me (not to mention the bawling!).
That has eased now, and now I want to share with other hurting woman the hope and peace I knew in the dark times.
As I read your blog this morning, I had rush off to work, and you were on my mind most of the day, so I want to share this song with you, that made me want you to know the peace and faith I do.

You are a precious woman and God wants to heal your hurt and brokenheart. I pray you will know that healing and joy this year.
Love and Blessings

Beth said...

I am so, so sorry for your many losses. My baby girl was stillborn on November 20. I wish our babies could come back to us.

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