Monday, 5 December 2011


I am taking a break.  I thank you all for shoulders to cry on but, honestly, it still isn't filling the hole.  Nothing is and I am finding it more and more difficult to push forward.  My OH already has decided social networking is not helping him in anyway and I am beginning to feel the same.  Perhaps I am misunderstood?  I don't know, I know I have a tendency when things go bad to pull everyone together and to start shouting really loud that something needs to be organised, changed, researched.

I have tirelessly trawled, compiled, drawn up and extracted every single piece of information out there.  I repeatedly produce everything to the Doctors to hopefully encourage them to think twice.  All because I really, really want someone to help me, but am not convinced that anyone can.  This makes me try harder, push further and not give up but then you get someone reminds me that I am on my own, that no one else wants to do this, they don't want to fight, demonstrate, push and demand.  They just want to offer support and comfort.  

Is that what I am supposed to do?  Be a mournful, weepy mother that submits to being comforted?  Crying constantly at the hopelessness of it all on the shoulders of all the mothers that have made it through this before me?    Let myself to be lead, content to allow whatever will be to be?  To look back in 10 years when it is all too late for me and know that it is ok because a thousands Mums gave me support?   Or is this easy for some to say, the ones that have produced their miracle and so have only fading memories of the 'before' times.  Desperate times.  The times when every every day was black and produced day after day after day of black.

I don't know.....that's why I'm tired, I think so much my head actually hurts.  Back to work, concentrate on that and avoid looking into the catastrophe (ohhh look yet another new absolute noun) of my life.


Catherine W said...

Hmmm I don't know, I find the supportive elements of blogging quite useful but I can understand why, to others, they might just be frustrating!

Is that what I am supposed to do? Be a mournful, weepy mother that submits to being comforted? I don't think that anyone can tell you what you are supposed to do. This is your situation, your sons. If being comforted feels like submitting than I'm not sure it is comforting at all!

Personally, I don't think it will ever be ok for me and I don't believe that you will look back in ten years time and think it is all ok either. Even if we both had the support of ten of thousands other mothers in exactly our positions.

I know from your posts at Bliss that the condition that caused your placenta to stop functioning is rare and recurring and I know that (in a far simpler situation) I had to push and demand for different care in a subsequent pregnancy. It is horrible when you feel you are banging your head up against a brick wall. Every avenue I can think of for trying to get something done is one that I'm sure you have already thought of. I know for cervical problems, such as those that led to the death of daughter, there is a very well respected consultant who is the guru of things like IC. Is there anyone similar you could consult with regards (perhaps not specifically to CHI) to placental function or similar. Or just a doctor who is really prepared to give you some of his or her time and sit down and discuss your options with you? Have you tried SANDS or Tommy's? Either with regards to putting you in touch with someone or campaigning? I'm sure these are roads you have already gone down and, as such, they are kind of useless but I still feel compelled to offer them.

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