Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Pandora's Box

It is four days until Christmas, seventeen days until the twins 1st Birthday, thirteen days until Gabriele's due date and somewhere in there New Year happens, we all remember last year's New Year.  So call it bad timing or whatever but these days are expectively sitting heavily on my psyche and if I were to tell you that I had been fine, I would be lying, and actually you can see from the sometimes manic tones of the previous posts.

The Garden a Year Ago......
UK December 2010
Yesterday a lady who is also sufferers from CHI lost her Rainbow, she was 8 weeks gone.  Her little one probably didn't even have time to bed in before the placenta was completely ruined. I have never met this lady but we are sisters and I was so sad to hear that this happened to her.  So close to Christmas she has the big 'why?' question she now has to live with of these increasingly maddening season of repetitively annoying Christmas songs and tinsel and presents, endless presents that have to be thought out, bought and wrapped.  

So it made me think about what we are left with when this happens, when the shadows are long and you feel like you are viewing the world from the sad side of life's sound-proof window.  You look out and see everyone else enjoying life and turn around in the silence of the partition you live in and spy the box.  Pandora's box which sits in the long shadows of this world.  Hope does sit in that box and it is the only comfort with its soft glow through those moments I have of utter and complete despair, it is the only thing that brings me back from the teetering edge of complete insanity, when I come so close I can taste it. I touched madness in those final weeks with Gab.

So I accept that the end of this year, as the last, is going to be rubbish.  I am thankful for the small things that I can be thankful for and sit tight and watch as this season flies by what the next year will bring.......with hope.


bjarnason family said...

Merry Christmas for what its worth. As I sat to write our Christmas card and newsletter that we often send each year, I was able to reflect on the craziness our life was this year. Sure, there was more than enough hardship, chaos, sorrow, and grief; but what I also found was an abundance of joy. Sometimes its harder to find but it was there non the less.

These last couple years of our lives have been trying to say the least. I learned to stop asking "why" so much as asking God for the strength I would need to overcome what he put in front of me. I don't know what he wants me to learn from these experiences and I may never know in this life, but for now I trust He will get me through this. This doesn't mean that it will be easy, exactly the opposite in fact, but I know that at some point I will be able to drive towards the hospital without getting an anxiety attack, or be able to get through one day without crying at least once. I know that God has given me as much joy if not more than the pain he has also given. I just need to look around, find it, and be willing to enjoy it.

I think of you often and you remain in our prayers. Much love!


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