Still Learning to Live Again
Today was a day that reminded me that, not only do I still mostly live in a bubble I have created but venturing out of that bubble chaffs a little and makes me recoil a little but doesn't actually make me spontaneously meltdown, which in some ways was what I feared the most.
It is almost like teaching myself how to do something, to be able to 'just do' what should be a mundane everyday task and take part without shying away and retreating to the fringes, the shadows in a hope to be ignored and forgotten.
That task today was sitting in town with a friend that had twins after I lost mine. Feeding them and seeing the irony in juggling the feeding of two mouths, both vying for the yummy baby glop and pausing for a minute thinking this should be me, my children should be here. I wonder what it would have been like......back to hungry little mouths.
But they are not.
They are not here.
I will not do this with my children ever.
I know and understand this now, but this is not a reason to keep myself cut off from life because I am here.
It is almost like teaching myself how to do something, to be able to 'just do' what should be a mundane everyday task and take part without shying away and retreating to the fringes, the shadows in a hope to be ignored and forgotten.
That task today was sitting in town with a friend that had twins after I lost mine. Feeding them and seeing the irony in juggling the feeding of two mouths, both vying for the yummy baby glop and pausing for a minute thinking this should be me, my children should be here. I wonder what it would have been like......back to hungry little mouths.
But they are not.
They are not here.
I will not do this with my children ever.
I know and understand this now, but this is not a reason to keep myself cut off from life because I am here.
It is almost like having to teach yourself isn't it. I am venturing into one of those what should be seemingly easy tasks next Monday. A friend of mine, my coworker, who had her baby a month and half after Evelynn died wants to go out one night next month and I volunteered to babysit for a few hours. On Monday I am going to just go to her house to get to know her son and him know me. I am scared because looking at him will be like looking at my daughter and what should be right now. I am scared but I know I have to move forward and can't hide away from babies forever.
ReplyDeleteI just hate that there are always going to be those things we never got to do with our children ever and never will be able to neither.