Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Still Learning to Live Again

Today was a day that reminded me that, not only do I still mostly live in a bubble I have created but venturing out of that bubble chaffs a little and makes me recoil a little but doesn't actually make me spontaneously meltdown, which in some ways was what I feared the most.  

It is almost like teaching myself how to do something, to be able to 'just do' what should be a mundane everyday task and take part without shying away and retreating to the fringes, the shadows in a hope to be ignored and forgotten.

That task today was sitting in town with a friend that had twins after I lost mine.  Feeding them and seeing the irony in juggling the feeding of two mouths, both vying for the yummy baby glop and pausing for a minute thinking this should be me, my children should be here.  I wonder what it would have been like......back to hungry little mouths.  

But they are not.
They are not here.
I will not do this with my children ever.

I know and understand this now, but this is not a reason to keep myself cut off from life because I am here.  


Becky said...

It is almost like having to teach yourself isn't it. I am venturing into one of those what should be seemingly easy tasks next Monday. A friend of mine, my coworker, who had her baby a month and half after Evelynn died wants to go out one night next month and I volunteered to babysit for a few hours. On Monday I am going to just go to her house to get to know her son and him know me. I am scared because looking at him will be like looking at my daughter and what should be right now. I am scared but I know I have to move forward and can't hide away from babies forever.
I just hate that there are always going to be those things we never got to do with our children ever and never will be able to neither.

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