Monday, 8 August 2011

A Normal Boring Pregnancy

I realise that the harder I try to relax the more I obsess on how little I am relaxing.  That is the quandary with this whole situation.  I am trying very hard to have a normal, boring pregnancy but I have nothing to relate to, nothing to fall back on, no idea what it means to not reach for the doppler or measure my belly or ponder as to whether my appetite is more or less than yesterday and what on earth that could indicate.

A normal, boring pregnancy?  Is that where you walk around with a certainty?  Without any concept that the end could end with anything but a little baby?  I think I felt that once, the ignorant bliss that caused us to argue over names, furniture, schools.  The runaway train that picked up speed with the passing days and weeks at the beginning as the excitement grew.  But what that means now, today, is not relevant.  It has no relevance at all to now, with what I've seen and what I know so I can never go back, undo, erase, sit back and enjoy.

Instead I obsess, and tick off the days, 147 days to go and there is still a heartbeat, the 148bpm are well within normal for a foetus of this gestation, I think I felt a movement, my appetite is no less than yesterday, I am drinking enough milk, I am mainly sleeping on my left side, I won't strain myself, my belly might not grow more each week, I still feel a little fatigued, I am getting a balanced diet.....I won't buy a single thing, not a single thing, I shall not be finding out the sex.

It might be alright this time, it might be a normal, boring pregnancy.....

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