Wednesday, 13 July 2011

6 months versus 15 weeks

I knew that the day would come that six months would pass and I would still be without my boys.  They truth is  that they aren't coming back and I will continue to live without them.  It has taken that long for me to really understand that, not so much the coming back bit (which would be a kinda miracle) but the living without them.  Everyday is just another day forward from that moment in time and I live with the memory of what happened and their still, silent faces in my head, its all I have.  I wish I had held them when I had the chance, I touched them and remember the softness of the skin but regret not giving them a final hug, I was too afraid.

I spent the 7th July on a beach wondering what it would have been like having twin boys in my arms, what they would be like now, how much they have grown.  Would they be weaning now?  I don't know, I still don't know many things about being a Mother except what it feels like to carry a child and to lose a child.

So I thought a lot about that all day and in return I became very aware that the feelings inside me were actually probably quickening from the new baby.  As if it was gently reassuring me that 'everything is going to be ok'.  I know I love this baby, that the capacity for love does grow or expand it just feels like with each new opportunity to love you discover a new piece of yourself, a new 'love zone'.  My love for this baby is already in a new zone to the love for my husband or the love for my twins and I do not believe that this is exhaustable.  The capacity seems as vast as the universe.

My hopes for today and everyday is that it will be ok.......


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