Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Due Date in Alternate Universe

I wanted to take the time out today to post to my blog as it is perhaps the only place, aside from me, that might remember that today was my due date.  Somewhere, sometime in some alternative universe I would have given birth to my baby boys today and they would be alive and we would be happy with our double car seats, iCandy double pram, cot etc.

Everything else I have dreamed about.  The other versions of my husband and I are currently sitting in a hospital, he is cuddling Vincenzo while I feed Benedetto, because he is smaller and more hungry than his brother, who is content to be snuggled up to Dad.  

Vincenzo is going to love football, probably support Roma, whereas already I know that Benedetto will always run to me.  

We laugh and giggle about how ludicrous it is for us to be sitting here with our twin sons, beyond our wildest imaginings and how I went to extraordinary lengths to ensure we go to Disneyland "Which of course we will have to do now" I giggle to Sabino, "because there is now absolutely no excuse not too".  Unless of course they both end up preferring Spiderman or the X-men, in which case we will switch Disney for Universal I decide.  That's me, aglow, proud, happy and delighted that I did it.  Did it for us.

We made our family and I got them here.  

But I have to back away from that universe and be sucked into my my version of 'present'.  

That present makes this event historical, already in the past, done, dusted, tucked away, packaged and boxed up.  So I navigated the day at work strongly aware that no one else would remember, or realise. No one did,  like a dirty secret that you can't tell because you get that look again, the forced sympathy and the heart-felt words that people are always compelled to say whenever you mention it.

Yesterday I attended an event in London, Earl's Court and walking up to that place reminded me that the last time I had approached the building it was in desperate excitement for the Baby Show and all the wonderful 'twin things' we were going to buy.  There I was standing looking at the signage for IT Support show thinking that this was not how I envisaged 19th April 2011 being.

At lunchtime today we toasted to better times but in my head I was toasting to my boys - beautiful and giggling with the 'other me'.  

Tonight I went to go and kiss the photo I have of my little men and found myself staring at the bin in the spare room next to a Memory box and cuddly toys.  It is filled will used Ovulation tests kits, and for the second time in two days I thought to myself that I had never dreamed back at the beginning that my life would become this.  

I don't know if my husband even remembered, and didn't want to remind as I know it still upsets him so.

Regardless my wishes to them are to say "Happy Dueday my two little principi you must know that I was thinking of you" :)

1 comments:

Becky said...

Oh the dreaded due date. I am so sorry. I like the ways you talk about your alternate universe. I am thinking of you and your twins always. Liam's due date was the 12th, very close to each other. Take Care

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