Been thinking a lot.....

.....about the birth mainly in the last few days, about the differences from my other births.  So as I wind down this blog I want to continue the theme of reflection to mirror the thoughts and memories that I have been reminiscing about these last few weeks.

So aside from the obvious differences (it not being me who actually gives birth) I genuinely wonder what it will be like to actually be allowed to see the baby once he is born.  All the other times I have been told that it was better not to and the midwives would bundle the boys up and squirrel them away to be cleaned and dressed, they always came back but for various reasons I was never able to bathe my or dress the other boys myself.  

I realised that only actually ever held Santino.  I was too scared and in shock to hold the twins.  Gab, I remember vividly staring at him. He looked too fragile, delicate, like a doll that we were afraid he would break even more if we picked him up.  I really wanted to but never did.  I remember that I kissed them all.

What I did and didn't do with each of them, now seems to be the time to remember. I intend to consign these memories to storage, to file them away, not because I want to forget but I want to focus on my living children the ones that are here.  I know that lots of babyloss Mums take great pride in marking, voicing and living with their losses but as my blog posts have diminished so has my focus on marking the deaths of my children.  Not because I want to forget them, never, they are literally part of me and will forever hold their mark on my life but life is for living and I have been blessed with two baby boys who will be living and they deserve all my attention.  Another reason that I feel that I can do this is because I have absolutely no doubt that I will see my boys again, when I die it will be my time to be with them, I know that until then there will be no umbrage on me not focussing on them, after all we are separated at the moment and that is all it will be a momentary separation.  My time here on Earth, living, will be but a blink of the eye compared to the time I will get to spend with them - this I know - and for that reason I can, and will, finally pack away their things and allow myself to be guilt- free to feel the joy of my sons' arrival and immerse myself in happiness that I simply lost over the last few years.

It took me a while to find my Muchness, when I had found it I dabbled but didn't grab it, now is the time to seize it and never let it go.  To fly with it until my last breath. I wrote a long long time ago about how I wasn't sure how people live through the loss of babies but now I think I finally understand. There are two types of people that come through this; the first group forever remain sad and bitter and can't see past that day when they looked upon their children's still faces and the second group remember that day, pack the memory away find the colour all around again stand-up and walk forward.  I am the second type of person, the love and respect that I have accumulated over the last few years means that my heart is literally full to bursting point, somehow, despite having been shattered into pieces it also overcame the tragedies as they happened over and over.

I know with great certainty that when these boys make their entrance I will be all theirs and they will mend this old Mum's heart - they will be love.  This is the other side - I found it!