Monday, 24 December 2012

Another Christmas, a new realisation

Tomorrow is Christmas day.  This is the second year that we have not dressed a tree or put up some decorations, it feels hugely misplaced to do so and I simply have no energy to do so alone.

In most ways this Christmas mirrors the last.  Silent house, broken dreams and hopes scattered to the wind.  This year however comes with a new consideration and the very real realisation that this may never happen to us. As you grow old with the one you love you can only dote on each other so much on Christmas Day, I understand now why children are important they inject a youth into a life that becomes tired and old.

But if children never come, what does that mean?  Especially if you want them as much we we do?  Will every Christmas be like this one, a silent haunting reminder of what we nearly had?  A tribute to four sons who we saw but who never saw us?  A failed family?  If we choose that path what will that signal for our relationship, strained beyond most, even the most reinforced of concrete will eventually crack and crumble if a force keeps battering it.  But if we choose, and it must be a choice, to not making Christmas a tribute then what?  Somehow you live past it but at the moment I have no idea how.

The energy expelled in the last few months has finally caught up with me I think, I am so tired I could sleep for a year.  Yet I am sitting here with a faint smile and reindeer pattered jumper ready to get up and keep moving as time marches forward which I suppose is really what makes the decision for us both.  

Each day comes and ends and we survive it, then into the next......what can you say to us?  How can you support?  The most common gesture we get now is that big empty armed shrug from people who agree that there are no words and no excuses for what has happened to us.

Two years and seven months ago we started to try and make a family.  Two years and seven months later we have a family of ashes.  

To all who read this and know the pain may this Christmas pass by and next year bring new hope to brighten your days.....


Anonymous said...

I now have a family of ashes as well. Love to you.

Ben Wakeling said...

As you have so beautifully written, I cannot think of anything to say which could possibly help. I can't even begin to imagine how much heartache you must be experiencing. I admire your courage very, very much xx

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