Monday, 3 September 2012

My Black Hole and me

(Must be read while listening to the Eels "My Beloved Monster and Me")

I often just come to this blog to bumble away a few thoughts and get them done.  Today was not a great day.  I fell down the Black Hole again and then sat there for a while at the bottom, in the darkness, doing that 'Feeling sorry for myself' thing that sometimes happens.

I then hit the panic button on my mobile, sent a couple of 'help!' texts to my support network, received some reassuring 'Keep your chin up' responses and then cooked a risotto.

I have just been pondering about far to many things recently and the frustration I always get about how little I can actually change and as a consequence how little actually changes.  I feel old, way too old, old and tired yet I still stand there.  I still stand up again and won't be pushed down, I will sit down only when I want to for as long as I want to.  

Someone on Twitter asked me earlier what helped me climb out of the Black Hole, I help me.  My sheer bloody mindedness and stubborn arrogance.  the kind of qualities that are rarely seen as the most redeeming but now realise that they have a purpose.  I guess that makes 'The' Black Hole 'My' Black Hole and that is the key difference: I decide.

I can't control any other factor on this mad chase for a live baby so I'll be darned if depression is going to start telling me what to do as well. FACT.

So, enough of the clichés, no lessons learnt today but another day conquered.  Goodnight all x


Becky said...

I love your line about be darned if depression is going to start telling me what to do. It is such a hard fight some days, but I refuse to let it win. Although many days I feel it would be easier to give in. I don't know how you've been able to do it. I don't know how I am doing it. Some days I just hate life so bad. It's great to have a good support network though that you can send that simple "help" to. I 'm glad you have that and am thankful I have that as well.
I just really, really hope that in the end we both have a living healthy baby in our arms.

Lisa Sissons said...

Big love hun. Sometimes we need to just be able to sit in that black hole before pulling ourselves together again. If we didn't have those moments, I think something would be wrong. We are allowed to miss our babies and feel sad about them not being here. But it's the other things we manage to do between the sadness that counts. Good job on the risotto.


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