Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Back and Beating......

"Where have I been?" I hear you ask.  Truthfully I have been sitting in 'denial' mainly, wrestling with my own consciousness and trying to reassure myself that it is ok to be here 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  Yes, I am pregnant - there, I wrote the word. 

Favignana, Italy. April 2011
My last scan was at 8+3 weeks and the words in the letter to from my Consultant to my Doctor were that I was pregnant with a 'viable' single foetus.  That was 4 weeks ago.  In two days I go for my 12 week scan and the last few weeks have taken me closer to madness than I was the first time I was pregnant, a roller-coaster of chaos.  

The self doubt is the main thing but there are flavours of other emotions that get thrown in; guilt, sadness, diffidence, joy, terror.....etc etc not wanting to recognise it as pregnancy for fear of jinxing it.  Strolling around work imaging that no one can see the bump that already protrudes in its 109cm of rotundness.

There is one baby in there this time with enough room, thanks to its brothers, leaving behind a palace of space so, as I endeavour to ensure I take my aspirin and inject myself with Clexane once a day, I have been willing this baby to make itself as comfortable as possible and to grow and to stay.  Do I still speak to my boys, absolutely, every day and I am still writing to them.  A cuddle with them would be amazing right now to remind myself that I can do this - I can do this, can't I?


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