A Change so Profound

Welcome.

If this is the first time that you have visited this blog you where see the latest posts at the beginning, which I update from time to time even though more than ten years have now passed from when our sons became a part of our life story.

Child loss changed me so profoundly that I cannot say whether I am where I am today despite, or because of, the extraordinary events we lived through. All I know is that I am nothing like the person before and continue to learn to be more patient, more empathic and more compassionate to others.

It takes time and space between traumatic events to process them.  They overwhelm so completely at the time that you lose all sense of perspective and the spiral, by default, pulls you downward.

For me, it felt like just as I was able to accommodate, and somehow come to terms with, the reality of what we were living through.  When mentally we were able to put together a plan to move we then received another blow.  It felt relentless.  It was easier to say hopeless and admit defeat.  

Then there is life.  

"I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living or get busy dying."

- Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption  

Or more simply put 

"Choose Life"

-Trainspotting 

I reflected that I had a greater appreciation for my mother and all mothers that give birth.  That to make a life and for that life to grow is a beautiful miracle and by consequence and in spite of my mistakes and misfortunate events I was an imperfect miracle.  In this blog I also talk about how I felt like I wanted to honour my children, even though they were no longer here and I knew not, at the time if I were ever going to be blessed with living children on this Earth.  So I took tiny, little steps and I chose life.

At first, those gestures weren't frivolous, they were kind words and thoughts and deeds. Almost undetectable.  Little touches of care, to myself and those around me.  I had to make them tiny so as to not awaken the monster giants in my head who would continue to bellow all the reasons that I was undeserving of anything ever again.

I would often sit in silence and just smile.  Smiling had been lost to me so taking time to teach myself the art and the warmth that smiling carries to your soul slowly warmed it.

Slowly the tiny steps became bolder, more purposeful and accumulative. One thing grew into another and with each step in 'life' came clarity.

With this clarity faded the monster giants in my head.  I very rarely hear them now and if I do just don't entertain them.  The reality is that they are the primitive side of me and serve no purpose.  To force focus and wrestle with self-compassion and reconciliation evolves your wellbeing and emotional intelligence. The resilience and strength that was there all along I would never have known and I thank my children for it every day.

I have a motto, I live by it and shall not be waivered.  I choose life every day and do so happily. 

To read about each of the births you can use the tabs along the top. To read what we were going through you need to go to the blog and follow from the beginning. I wrote posts in the moment and have a personal rule that I don't change or re-word them later. I captured at that moment and the experiences are raw. Most of my recollections of those moments are different so even for me this digital diary serves as a permanent place of record of those days, those years, and I leave it here to give strength to others and remind myself.

Finally, I shared this post on social media but wanted to also share it here. Hear from these two spiritual leaders to support those dealing with loss, both have experienced the loss of a child themselves.

Be gentle.....be kind.......live.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-55220800