tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40419199065756323462024-02-19T06:34:15.261+00:00Silent LoveA Mother's love for her four sons who were born sleeping.CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.comBlogger124125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-56470142420063998482021-03-15T22:15:00.010+00:002021-05-07T09:04:24.478+01:00A Change so Profound<span style="font-family: helvetica;">Welcome.<br /><br />If this is the first time that you have visited this blog you where see the latest posts at the beginning, which I update from time to time even though more than ten years have now passed from when our sons became a part of our life story.<br /><br />Child loss changed me so profoundly that I cannot say whether I am where I am today despite, or because of, the extraordinary events we lived through. All I know is that I am nothing like the person before and continue to learn to be more patient, more empathic and more compassionate to others.</span><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;">It takes time and space between traumatic events to process them. They overwhelm so completely at the time that you lose all sense of perspective and the spiral, by default, pulls you downward.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;">For me, it felt like just as I was able to accommodate, and somehow come to terms with, the reality of what we were living through. When mentally we were able to put together a plan to move we then received another blow. It felt relentless. It was easier to say hopeless and admit defeat. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Then there is life. </span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><b>"I guess it comes down to a simple choice really. </b></span><b style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Get busy living or get busy dying</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">"</span></span></i></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; text-align: left;">- </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">Andy Dufresne, </span><span style="font-family: helvetica; text-align: left;">Shawshank Redemption </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Or more simply put </span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i><b>"Choose Life"</b></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i>-</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">Trainspotting</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-family: helvetica; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;"> </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I reflected that I had a greater appreciation for my mother and all mothers that give birth. That to make a life and for that life to grow is a beautiful miracle and by consequence and in spite of my mistakes and misfortunate events I was an imperfect miracle. In this blog I also talk about how I felt like I wanted to honour my children, even though they were no longer here and I knew not, at the time if I were ever going to be blessed with living children on this Earth. So I took tiny, little steps and I chose life.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">At first, those gestures weren't frivolous, they were kind words and thoughts and deeds. Almost undetectable. Little touches of care, to myself and those around me. I had to make them tiny so as to not awaken the monster giants in my head who would continue to bellow all the reasons that I was undeserving of anything ever again.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I would often sit in silence and just smile. Smiling had been lost to me so taking time to teach myself the art and the warmth that smiling carries to your soul slowly warmed it.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Slowly the tiny steps became bolder, more purposeful and accumulative. One thing grew into another and with each step in 'life' came clarity.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">With this clarity faded the monster giants in my head. I very rarely hear them now and if I do just don't entertain them. The reality is that they are the primitive side of me and serve no purpose. To force focus and wrestle with self-compassion and reconciliation evolves your wellbeing and emotional intelligence. The resilience and strength that was there all along I would never have known and I thank my children for it every day.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #202124; font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I have a motto, I live by it and shall not be waivered. I choose life every day and do so happily. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br />To read about each of the births you can use the tabs along the top. To read what we were going through you need to go to the blog and follow from the beginning. I wrote posts in the moment and have a personal rule that I don't change or re-word them later. I captured at that moment and the experiences are raw. Most of my recollections of those moments are different so even for me this digital diary serves as a permanent place of record of those days, those years, and I leave it here to give strength to others and remind myself.<br /><br />Finally, I shared this post on social media but wanted to also share it here. Hear from these two spiritual leaders to support those dealing with loss, both have experienced the loss of a child themselves.<br /><br />Be gentle.....be kind.......live.</span><div style="text-align: left;"><span color="rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.901960784313726)" face="-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, Segoe UI, Roboto, Helvetica Neue, Fira Sans, Ubuntu, Oxygen, Oxygen Sans, Cantarell, Droid Sans, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Lucida Grande, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span face="-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, Segoe UI, Roboto, Helvetica Neue, Fira Sans, Ubuntu, Oxygen, Oxygen Sans, Cantarell, Droid Sans, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Lucida Grande, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif"><span style="color: #a00031;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-55220800</span></span></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqhT_l25HJx82jzY7pLpbZPHJhBJ83ChoMkc4TngCgJkCMjKegUoRjyz6D5f0sIKCrA0USABP8Hioa9Env6PFUQN6JZIoVJ0RY0WF42x9hmtkErUXG7K-6p-V0wINbOa6DI9FXA7y7daZr/s1280/despite.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqhT_l25HJx82jzY7pLpbZPHJhBJ83ChoMkc4TngCgJkCMjKegUoRjyz6D5f0sIKCrA0USABP8Hioa9Env6PFUQN6JZIoVJ0RY0WF42x9hmtkErUXG7K-6p-V0wINbOa6DI9FXA7y7daZr/w400-h226/despite.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><span face="-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, Segoe UI, Roboto, Helvetica Neue, Fira Sans, Ubuntu, Oxygen, Oxygen Sans, Cantarell, Droid Sans, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Lucida Grande, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif"><span style="color: #a00031;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span face="-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, Segoe UI, Roboto, Helvetica Neue, Fira Sans, Ubuntu, Oxygen, Oxygen Sans, Cantarell, Droid Sans, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Lucida Grande, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif"><span style="color: #a00031;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br /></span></span></span><div><span color="rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.9)" face="-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, "Helvetica Neue", "Fira Sans", Ubuntu, Oxygen, "Oxygen Sans", Cantarell, "Droid Sans", "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol", "Lucida Grande", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></div></div></div>CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-42225850842617335722017-08-25T13:15:00.001+01:002021-03-15T21:59:42.427+00:00Embrace Every Moment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">And, before I knew it, two years have passed since my last post. Nearly seven years ago I lost my first twins. It doesn't feel like seven years but then sometimes, it does. Perhaps the time isn't even the same anymore. I felt today that I needed to post this quote since it reflects how I felt in each of the pregnancies subsequent to the first. I knew where the journey was leading. looking back I embraced and welcomed every moment even though it felt like it was killing me to do so, each tiny stitch on the clothes I sewed that they would wear when they were born, each funeral I prepared, each urn I collected. Yet I believe that doing this helped lead me to where I stand today.</span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Last night I dreamt of Santino. Dreaming of the boys, our sons who died is not uncommon. In some dreams, they are alive and playing with their living brothers but more often or not my mind takes me back to the moment. The smells, the room, the Doctors, the hopelessness.</span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Last night was just Santino. </span><br /><span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I was being told that he was dead, I knew that he was dead. We were looking at scans and they mentioned that his legs weren't perfect but I said that it didn't matter because he wasn't going to live anyway. </span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I felt him being born again. The total absence of pain then, giving him the little push and feeling his warm little body against my legs. </span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Each time I think I dream about that night it is so as to create more time with them.</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Today the dream has left me feeling bereft, yet, I embrace and welcome every minute of it.</span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">If I had known then what I know now would I have changed anything? The simple answer is I wouldn't have changed a single thing, if I had then I would have never seen the faces of L & M and I cannot, now, imagine living without them.</span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">Is it possible to feel joy again? Yes, if you want to. In fact, I honestly believe that my happiness now is as high as my grief was low. Losing the boys forced me to explore profoundly deep and earth-shatteringly difficult places. I learnt to live with the depths of these emotions to allow them to surface and by allowing myself to feel when it hurt the most means that now the joy and love I feel surpasses anything prior to it and, for the most part, stays. I appreciate and welcome so much more. Tolerate more and for some things a lot less! </span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">For anyone reading this right now who cannot say that they are nearly seven years into a loss journey I want you to know that you can do this. You can get up and see another day, you will live again in colour and you can move past a tragedy at the same time as taking it with you and the fact that it never ends its totally OK because it becomes who you are and I am a better person for it. If you want to and allow it to guide you. Take a back seat and feel - you too will one day be smiling through the tears from your dreams like me and welcoming and embracing every moment that life offers you from herein.</span><br />
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I am still here. If you need to reach out to me click Contact Me. I will always answer. xx</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-18779789724515063392015-01-15T21:07:00.003+00:002016-12-16T21:29:30.213+00:00Looking up to those who are peering down<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.4400005340576px; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;">When my earth children look to heaven I like to think that my heaven children are looking right back down at them........it is one of those moments in the chaos of my day that brings a quiet smile to my face. I hope they can see the havoc their brother wreaking, I just know it would bring a smile to their faces. To see live in technicolour being fulfilled in our house.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 13.4400005340576px; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-size: 13.4400005340576px; line-height: 19.2000007629395px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Some day we will all be together again.... until then. Twins are One!!</span></span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-61636645040202705522014-11-06T07:37:00.002+00:002014-11-06T07:37:43.112+00:00If you think our hands are full you should see our hearts!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ten whole months ago two adorable tiny little bundles arrived in this world and came to stay. Since that day our lives have been completely chaotic, totally upsidedown but entirely fun! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After I lost, I no longer remember, a kind lady said to me <i>"In years to come you'll look back (as her Mum did who lost three babies before having her) and look at your children here on Earth and know that you would have never seen their faces if you hadn't given birth to angels"</i> I don't know who that lady was, I haven't been able to contact her since to let her know - perhaps she was an angel too? But this is so true, I can't imagine never having seen their faces and whilst it doesn't make me miss the others any less these two fill up my heart so much.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realise that after all this time all it took was one smile - we were blessed with two :)</span></div>
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-34120479468730295852014-10-25T09:31:00.003+01:002014-10-25T09:31:46.502+01:00Thinking about heaven.......thinking about them<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and remembering all those that have gone much too soon......</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"They sat that time in Heaven is compared to a 'blink of an eye' for us on Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my children running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies. So happy and completely caught up in what they are doing that by the time they turn around to see if I'm behind them......I will be"</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know who wrote this - does anyone know? Whoever it was completely encapsulates a wonderful sentiment here which I tried to compliment with an appropriate image.</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-16248897861760289752014-10-16T22:12:00.000+01:002014-10-16T22:12:11.380+01:00Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Wave of Light 2014<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As with every year last night I remembered my boys. </span></div>
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-16828091302782869642014-01-11T20:36:00.001+00:002017-01-12T17:31:18.723+00:00Happy Birth Announcement!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Introducing:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">January 2014</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Born at 7:40am and 8:07am</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">2.2kg and 2.02kg</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b><span id="goog_2083816496"></span><span id="goog_2083816497"></span></b><i style="font-weight: bold;">Aut viam inveniam aut faciam</i> <i> (I will either find a way or make one)....</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>......and we did!</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(birth story to come)<i><br /></i></span>
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-44526917562306660662014-01-01T20:35:00.003+00:002014-01-01T20:41:34.422+00:00Been thinking a lot.....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">.....about the birth mainly in the last few days, about the differences from my other births. So as I wind down this blog I want to continue the theme of reflection to mirror the thoughts and memories that I have been reminiscing about these last few weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So aside from the obvious differences (it not being me who actually gives birth) I genuinely wonder what it will be like to actually be allowed to see the baby once he is born. All the other times I have been told that it was better not to and the midwives would bundle the boys up and squirrel them away to be cleaned and dressed, they always came back but for various reasons I was never able to bathe my or dress the other boys myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realised that only actually ever held Santino. I was too scared and in shock to hold the twins. Gab, I remember vividly staring at him. He looked too fragile, delicate, like a doll that we were afraid he would break even more if we picked him up. I really wanted to but never did. I remember that I kissed them all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I did and didn't do with each of them, now seems to be the time to remember. I intend to consign these memories to storage, to file them away, not because I want to forget but I want to focus on my living children the ones that are here. I know that lots of babyloss Mums take great pride in marking, voicing and living with their losses but as my blog posts have diminished so has my focus on marking the deaths of my children. Not because I want to forget them, never, they are literally part of me and will forever hold their mark on my life but life is for living and I have been blessed with two baby boys who will be living and they deserve all my attention. Another reason that I feel that I can do this is because I have absolutely no doubt that I will see my boys again, when I die it will be my time to be with them, I know that until then there will be no umbrage on me not focussing on them, after all we are separated at the moment and that is all it will be a momentary separation. My time here on Earth, living, will be but a blink of the eye compared to the time I will get to spend with them - this I know - and for that reason I can, and will, finally pack away their things and allow myself to be guilt- free to feel the joy of my sons' arrival and immerse myself in happiness that I simply lost over the last few years.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It took me a while to find my <a href="http://vincenzobenedetto.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/finding-my-muchness.html" target="_blank">Muchness</a>, when I had found it I dabbled but didn't grab it, now is the time to seize it and never let it go. To fly with it until my last breath. I wrote a long long time ago about how I wasn't sure how people live through the loss of babies but now I think I finally understand. There are two types of people that come through this; the first group forever remain sad and bitter and can't see past that day when they looked upon their children's still faces and the second group remember that day, pack the memory away find the colour all around again stand-up and walk forward. I am the second type of person, the love and respect that I have accumulated over the last few years means that my heart is literally full to bursting point, somehow, despite having been shattered into pieces it also overcame the tragedies as they happened over and over.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know with great certainty that when these boys make their entrance I will be all theirs and they will mend this old Mum's heart - they will be love. This is the other side - I found it!</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-85561833062267980472013-12-30T11:13:00.001+00:002013-12-30T11:13:09.502+00:00Last post of the year and time for reflection<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are currently sitting two days away from 36 weeks, the twins are healthy and weigh over 2kg each. We await their arrival any day now so this will be one of the final posts I make, this chapter is drawing to a close and I feel that their birth will be a good place to finish writing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everything is ready and and my milk has come in as well so I have a good stock frozen and waiting for them as well.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwpqP0TmsUaCDjGmep5PTH4t8a79AHuE2qoMnOM85_1LpEmeyACidf5c0-4lTY8HVob6AdPdSZuvqF0u32KzaTUzyPBbtQNl8XvgUUFwEjlxqfAKYgRsWj4DwxteQ0vlTa2wuI3K1nVeZh/s1600/1388238541205.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwpqP0TmsUaCDjGmep5PTH4t8a79AHuE2qoMnOM85_1LpEmeyACidf5c0-4lTY8HVob6AdPdSZuvqF0u32KzaTUzyPBbtQNl8XvgUUFwEjlxqfAKYgRsWj4DwxteQ0vlTa2wuI3K1nVeZh/s320/1388238541205.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nursery ready and waiting with our excellent Bunkcots!</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has taken such a very long time to get to this point and now its here I still have trouble grasping that these babies will come home but even as our dreams come true I am constantly found by others who reach out to me for help with their tales of sadness, of course I respond to every single one and offer help where I can. </span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-43184692416577784082013-11-17T18:56:00.004+00:002013-11-17T19:02:36.279+00:00Time for a Belly Pic?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been writing about the losses of my sons and challenges of having some 'take home' babies for approaching three years now and this weekend visits to my blog hit 100,000 from all over the world.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTeV1eELM9uQndOeasKGFJ5KStL9ZMs8oA1WpWGq80iyWbJTyB1YaXcwLxDX5_q4k3stYIiXOv3a56ZXj_doic29QoS88QZ0G7lHBZbSwkHjfMznRrg5qoiiHTeJYhi_T0DA0vWhnNz-QF/s320/1455077_723677614324011_749286919_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="240" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">T at 30 weeks - looking bumpy!</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTeV1eELM9uQndOeasKGFJ5KStL9ZMs8oA1WpWGq80iyWbJTyB1YaXcwLxDX5_q4k3stYIiXOv3a56ZXj_doic29QoS88QZ0G7lHBZbSwkHjfMznRrg5qoiiHTeJYhi_T0DA0vWhnNz-QF/s1600/1455077_723677614324011_749286919_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think that deserves a belly pic of T who at 30+4 days gets very little sleep due to my two very active and happy boys kicking and tickling her from the inside, she tried getting on all fours to make more space but this just got them more excited</span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. She tells me it saddens her that I cannot lie awake at night and experience how wonderful it is to feel them but for me the wonder is knowing that she can, that they are well and safe. During today they discovered her kidneys and lungs!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That is the wonder of surrogacy. Finding someone who you literally trust your entire future with and don't even mind when you miss out on the pregnancy stuff!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On the other hand I have my own challenges. The induction of the milk is coming on marvellously well and despite not having officially 'let the milk come in' with little stimulation I now get beads of milk forming quickly so I am confident that when I drop the oestrogen (pill) in two weeks' time I will get the milk hope for coming through. Fingers crossed though - this is so important to me.</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-289082239803548102013-11-13T10:04:00.000+00:002013-11-14T10:00:27.373+00:00Tales through Surrogacy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So we are 29 weeks and with only 8 weeks to go I wanted to share a few strange things have been happening since we started this journey and I wanted to share them "More strange?" I hear you say! - well yes.....read on and chuckle as we do.<br />
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<b>Back at 12 weeks</b><br />
So sitting in the little room at the hospital waiting for the lady to take T's bloods and in comes a spritely young nurse. Controls T's name, DOB, confirms her address "So we are going to have to do a nuchal test, we will be using maternal age". "In that case" says Tara "you will need to take hers, she is the maternal mother."<br />
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I say my date of birth and she turns to me and smiles pleasantly "You two have the same date of birth, what a lovely couple you make, how lovely that you are carrying each other's children. How did you meet?" <br />
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Well, there was that awkward moment where Tara and I looked at each other, then back to the Nurse, then at each other. "We aren't aren't a couple, as in gay lover so of couple" I say. "This is my surrogate". "Oh, SO Sorry!" Says the Nurse....<br />
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......note to self buy a T-shirt that clearly indicates 'surrogacy'.<br />
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<b>Then at 18 weeks</b><br />
T is in a supermarket. She has identical twin boys who are at the age where they race around creating havoc wherever they go. Random lady pulls in next to her trolley and flings the comment "well you're brave doing it again" T replies with confidence "yes they are twins again too."<br />
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The horror on the woman's face was priceless!<br />
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....note to T 'always wear surrogacy T-shirt when out in public'<br />
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<b>Last Week</b><br />
T is waiting to pick up her kids from school. Parent turns to her and asks how the twins are doing, she replies that all is going well. Parent (Mum) then says "Won't it be strange when they come out to look at them and see that they won't look like you?" T replies "Err, no, what would be weird is if they came out and DID look like me, that would really confuse me".<br />
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......not to T 'correctly align expectations of general public'.<br />
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<b>Every week</b><br />
Me "Yes I am expecting twins at the beginning of January." Eyes of whoever I may be speaking to instinctively move to stomach, to my face, back to my stomach. Expression changes to disbelief and then pity........after all I am so disillusional aren't I?<br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-50797006293650683262013-10-15T20:36:00.001+01:002013-10-15T20:36:12.214+01:00Wave of Light 2013 - International Baby Loss Awareness day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As with every year I have my candles burning tonight since 7pm to remember my boys and all those who aren't here with their Mums and Dads and should be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wave of Light is what we do on International Baby Loss Awareness day - why? Lighting a candle is about the only gesture we can manage and I can't face trying to make myself a human torch again by trying to light one of those fire-hazard paper lantern things - I fear if I keep risking it I will be joining them before meeting my other two! That really would be ironic in every sense of Alanis Morisette's song!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In other news and in complete juxtapose - we are 25 weeks tomorrow, officially 12 weeks to go! Happy/Sad like a bi-polar ambivalent hermit tonight staring at the candles thinking of all those little babies that should be here whilst at the same time trying to figure out where to buy a cot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's the craziness, it just gets more crazy!</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-91532409467086377972013-09-21T15:25:00.001+01:002013-09-21T15:25:04.777+01:00Funny Thing the Universe<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Universe is a funny thing - not funny 'ha, ha' more mysterious and bizarre. I am sitting here pondering today with a slightly smirky smile on my face as fellow blogger and double twin/ twin angel Mum <a href="http://1in10thousand.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Kate</a> welcomed her twin girls Emily and Sophie into the world. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I finally feel that balance is restored for her, that the universe righted the imbalance that took place when her first twins Matthew and Oliver left too early. This doesn't always happen, but sometimes something bigger than us suddenly realises and thinks 'crap, best put that to rights'. I wish it happened more, that there weren't still many, many parents-in-waiting filled with sorrow and please don't misunderstand, this doesn't mean replacing, or substituting our losses BUT when something like this happens it is a sort or reconciliation, a salvage, a gesture......and it is wonderful, because this didn't happen alone and it means that you are not insignificant that something or someone heard and saw what happened and has tried to make it right. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I believe that something happened/aligned/reached out/sent T to carry for us. That after the attempts to 'make right' didn't work the plan for a surrogate didn't come together through my own stubbornness and perseverance alone because one can look for a lifetime and still not find that perfect person. Something intervened to ensure we met, that we chatted, that this alternative plan was a feasible one on both a financial and personal level.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So <a href="http://1in10thousand.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Kate</a>'s balance was achieved with two girls and joy returning to her life. Mine......well we are 21+3 weeks today and, ever consistent as my husband is, we can happily announce that babies 5 and 6 will be sons.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">T looking GORGEOUS! </td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That is a perfect 6 in a row score (I have tried to calculate the probability of this happening but maths fail me) we have roughly 15+4 weeks left to go! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">....Did you read that bit? I sneaked it in at the end ;)</span><br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-20606736354295432162013-09-05T21:23:00.000+01:002013-09-05T21:37:41.169+01:00We Have Movement - From The OUTSIDE!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week I got an excited text from T announcing <i>"It's OFFICIAL we have movement from the outside!"</i> to say I was stunned is an understatement. This is uncharted territory for me, I 'think' I felt and saw Vincenzo's foot near the end of that pregnancy but I was so overwhelmed sometimes I wonder if I imagined the whole thing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, back to now, kicks. Little, tiny kicks that can be felt from the outside. Let me correct that, little kicks that this week at 19+1 weeks actually stop T from going to sleep it is a 'disco in a belly a bedtime'. I am so delighted at this point, we have a scan next week and it should confirm what I suspect and that is that CHI (<a href="http://vincenzobenedetto.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/chronic-histiocytic-intervillositis.html" target="_blank">Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis</a>) does not appear if someone else carries our babies, that this condition is tied to the mother. Anyway enough of that, back to the yummy stuff.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me at 19+1 weeks:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Zumba morphed into Kickboxing:</b> I last did kickboxing 10 years ago but loved it then and found it great for stress relief and fitness I recently found a local gym with a great atmosphere so started that again. Hard is an understatement, worth it? Completely!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Feeling great:</b> Honestly, I think I caught my Muchness. I mean my brain accommodates all that has happened and I can not only live with that but also move forward. This has taken a long time but by far the biggest factor was forgiving myself and learning to love me and everything around me again.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Loving not being pregnant!</b> I love it! Why doesn't everyone do it this way? Dread that "omg I can't bear the thought of having to lump around a pregnancy and set myself up for failure? Find an amazing person, a new best friend who loves it and give her the cheapest boob job ever - pregnancy! <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAqRYqM3j2qnsJlnntUpdvrBDRKm9WwdY0Dt4xKVvQaBpt8G4tF6fGnUOHvQSeJnlG638MTW92oDZtFtL3oJvtHzGrpM6-LPJ7RJn_w39KrBRH3Y7tT8KCdwHMtbAIt_nhgP-Pv33kvat4/s1600/1717_10153124686940650_1849415126_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAqRYqM3j2qnsJlnntUpdvrBDRKm9WwdY0Dt4xKVvQaBpt8G4tF6fGnUOHvQSeJnlG638MTW92oDZtFtL3oJvtHzGrpM6-LPJ7RJn_w39KrBRH3Y7tT8KCdwHMtbAIt_nhgP-Pv33kvat4/s320/1717_10153124686940650_1849415126_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">T<br />his Orchid bloomed all summer, the first time since losing the first twins</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, the 'to do' list at 19+1 weeks:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Hospital Bag</b>: what to pack, what size bag to take any advice gratefully received</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Operation Nursery</b>: theme to be announced soon but when does one indulge in the big purchases?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Maternity Leave</b>: tricky one this one thanks to UK Law not coming into effect until 2015 I need to negotiate with my company to see what, if any, time I can take</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Car Seat/Pushchair</b>: where to start with these things, eugh!</span></li>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7t5TDo1C54HG2E0omhr093WDZ8h4k-kL1Pzj8Bgqpu6VaRtGTZSjJETxpBCH32AT4LnyHc3St4EAJaq0H3enHJUvkQdq1E3Rr9-wfTJWHLqJVxl6L3wXUOHlDg6zNuq1Y2RwHneU_RD2B/s1600/A63BF5EA-9E24-4724-8F86-D5C106EC0E79.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7t5TDo1C54HG2E0omhr093WDZ8h4k-kL1Pzj8Bgqpu6VaRtGTZSjJETxpBCH32AT4LnyHc3St4EAJaq0H3enHJUvkQdq1E3Rr9-wfTJWHLqJVxl6L3wXUOHlDg6zNuq1Y2RwHneU_RD2B/s320/A63BF5EA-9E24-4724-8F86-D5C106EC0E79.JPG" width="285" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">19 weeks and the size of potatoes</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally.....bets are on - are we <span style="color: blue;">blue</span> or <span style="color: magenta;">pink</span>? We find out next Wednesday :)</span><br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-88141746569701372652013-08-28T18:13:00.002+01:002013-09-21T15:16:37.440+01:00Plan D<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, as I mentioned some time ago. I rarely give up and the same holds true here. So I will just come out and say it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>We are pregnant</b> - 'we' being me and my husband by proxy, and a lovely lady, our shining star who is carrying, because sometimes it takes three to make a baby (or two as in this case).</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB_jUulMjpBA2ArcMZQLH1J37dYb_8FvWZ5hBfJY_fiPS-ziKCDReG0moOiHAtpR_ReOq8UAl1hS96mGckEUxdQMdE5LuI1DQ_3pwxjFhIML8FMWUIGX5de-PlNaHgIwpvxtAFxbufObXR/s1600/1078286_10153124880150650_1851041088_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB_jUulMjpBA2ArcMZQLH1J37dYb_8FvWZ5hBfJY_fiPS-ziKCDReG0moOiHAtpR_ReOq8UAl1hS96mGckEUxdQMdE5LuI1DQ_3pwxjFhIML8FMWUIGX5de-PlNaHgIwpvxtAFxbufObXR/s320/1078286_10153124880150650_1851041088_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">T at 16 weeks</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today hails the halfway point for twin pregnancy and I am delighted to report that there is nothing to report! Everything is uneventful and 'normal'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The decision to accept the help from someone else has to be one of the most intelligent things I have ever done. I am so relieved to not be in the position of carrying this time and yes surrogacy is a scary word and when it first started to be thrown about I shied away from the thought of it. But I think like any relationship when you meet the right person it just feels 'right' and T for us is perfect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We decided on a Gestational Surrogacy journey, this means that the two little wrigglers that T is carrying are biologically ours and the birth certificate, once reissued, will have our names as the mother and father. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I guess I have learnt a whole new thing in the last few months, I have learnt about the Surrogacy World of Journeys (not a theme park) which receives such bad press and a shady reputation is nothing of the sort. It has been perfect for us and so far has taken us to the midway point of the pregnancy with out 5th and 6th children. This time they will be Earth children, I know because it is a team effort and all the pieces are right!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Would you like me to post more? If so please leave a comment!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX2ADOhNiXEByQ7OYg5bYlBdGZjW1I9eXvYNODSE-kc6SiqToJcnD2bB3b2g5iU4Kmr3cqyLrDy8MIDududM3K9VY7VajMOcj0ymChWFMd9M0WMJS_SAj9qjj9NzfVGslwQvjqUxOeXLhF/s1600/6BBA3693-5AB3-4CF3-A54E-AB427C387169.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX2ADOhNiXEByQ7OYg5bYlBdGZjW1I9eXvYNODSE-kc6SiqToJcnD2bB3b2g5iU4Kmr3cqyLrDy8MIDududM3K9VY7VajMOcj0ymChWFMd9M0WMJS_SAj9qjj9NzfVGslwQvjqUxOeXLhF/s320/6BBA3693-5AB3-4CF3-A54E-AB427C387169.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Elmo our mascot demonstrating the size of the twins at 18 weeks</td></tr>
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-29260741767030579532013-05-08T12:58:00.002+01:002013-05-08T12:58:07.453+01:00“Your attitude is your altitude. It determines how high you fly.”<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I read this yesterday and it really got me thinking. One of my biggest mantras is that my state of mind will determine how I approach my life events and it is all about choice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have written many times about my belief that if you have enough mental strength you can surpass anything. I have spent the last few years bolstering my mind in an effort to shore up, reinforce and strengthen it. I have lengthen, broadened and expanded my mind, and as a consequence my attitude, in ways that have even surprised me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the next few days the biggest thing we have ever done will happen, that which I am not quite ready to post about just yet. Will it work? We will see but I will keep in mind that 'Your Attitude is your Altitude. It determines how high you can fly' - and at the moment I am focussing on the nearest galaxy as my first port of call, what about you? How high can you fly?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">:)</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-60394178280845265432013-04-13T18:09:00.000+01:002013-04-13T18:47:13.463+01:00Bad, Naughty, Naughty - New!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been terribly bad at neglecting my blog recently and that isn't because life is boring but in fact I have too much going on but nothing I want to address right here, right now. At the same time I want to continue to offer hope to those out there who are in a dark place, the same one I have shared many, many times and my philosophy will continue to be to find ways to work through this, for it not to define me nor dictate my life. These events, my sons who haven't stayed, are a part of my life but will not be all of it so in true 'me style' I haven't given up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In life there are always a few options and the same way I have chosen to lose weight, to get a haircut to start enjoying all the aspects of life that were important to me before we embarked on trying to have a baby such as makeup, fashion, good wine, chocolate, great food etc etc I am also starting to rediscover.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Weight loss is going well, I am back to normal clothes and in a few more pounds I will buy a new wardrobe - a gift to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have a heap load of new friends that I speak to online and find myself with more amazing friends now than I had three years ago and they all know the real me and have seen me at my worse so that can only be a bonus as well!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I continue to see beauty in the world and recently did something that I have wanted to do for a very long time, I bought a Nikon D3200 SLR camera (cue millions of opinions on how good/bad/overpriced/something this choice was) and some very sexy lens. The sole purpose of which will be to continue to capture the beauty I see around me and look like I know what I am doing while I do it - I am even going on a course (I AM!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have already talked about the Zumba and the psychological impacts of being forced into dancing one - two hours every week (crazy, crazy people).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lots of new; new camera, new bed (which automatically meant new bedding), new make-up, new handbag and bizarrely newfound passion in orchids which are pretty, happy little flowers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All in all I feel about balanced right now but 'Back to your point!' I hear you shout......no, I'm not telling you yet but keep watching, in a few more weeks I might be ready to say and no, I am not pregnant! ;)</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-3393745607533270262013-03-24T14:37:00.003+00:002013-03-24T14:37:41.994+00:00Evasive Action<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After re-reading my last blog made a scrunched up face expression and decided to take some evasive action, the metaphorical 'slap around the face'. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first thing I did was start to tweet again and in a bolder fashion, the second thing I did was go and make something.....as winter as been a bit never ending this year the constant grey sky is undoubtably enough to get to anyone so it is important that as stubbornly insists on staying that I make the effort to be inspired in other ways. So here are the things I prescribe to turn a dark mood around:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1 - Zumba. I don't care where you have to go to do this but try it once and I thank my friend for insisting that I give it a go. It is an almost surreal feeling standing in a room with 29 other women who don't have any rhythm either but who consider themselves to suddenly become masters of salsa. For one hour I am a master of salsa and it feels so ridiculous that I challenge anyone to not end up with a silly Cheshire cat grin on your face by the end of it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2 - Chocolate. Poor for the diet great for the mood, tell me what tastes better than a slice of handmade dark chocolate torte? Not shop bought mind you, this has to be homemade so that your house fills with the gorgeous smell of 85% cocoa solids. Thanks to another friend for suggesting (no real persuasion required) we try 'Chocolate Therapy'.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B2ksgw14Q8w/UU8PG3w27pI/AAAAAAAAlGg/OKFAtkCfN4w/s1600/2013+-+1" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B2ksgw14Q8w/UU8PG3w27pI/AAAAAAAAlGg/OKFAtkCfN4w/s320/2013+-+1" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chocolate Therapy....</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3 - Craft. Make something. Doesn't matter how small, I have turned to photography, cards, watercolours and PVA glue in the last three weeks alone and it feels good, REAL good. I pulled down my old A-level Art box from the loft, chucked out a whole load of dried up gouache paints then promptly made a trip to Craft World to buy some more 'stuff'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you can't manage all try one......if you do I promise to try and video the Zumba class, just to prove that you don't need illegal drugs to act like a fool in public! :)</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-76617174591950974042013-03-09T20:49:00.002+00:002014-06-17T16:06:40.231+01:00Out there<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am out there on a limb, hung out to dry. Well that's what it feels like at the moment, written off like some old mad person who just 'bothers'. Of course I don't, bother that is, there is something that is incomplete and I believe it is only human nature to want to fix that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Quite a lot of the time I feel like I am ignored now. Not only by the medical community but by the majority of the babyloss one as well, there is almost a stubborn pride out there on 'who hurts the most' and me, not wanting to be part nor having been offered a part am left aside. The extreme version and without any rainbows to speak of, my events remain current - my sons' closed eyes their defining legacy and ongoing memory that no one wants to hear about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These last few weeks I have been missing all my sons a lot. Life events at the moment have forced me to uncover and sort through the things I bought for them and I find that some of them expired in 2011 - that's how long this has been going on, long enough for things to go out of date. I refuse to part with these belongings voluntarily so I wait for them to fall apart, expire, dry out and perish. Baby bottles, food, nappies, baby wipes, clothes, bibs.....the list is endless. Finding my muchness didn't last long because there is no one to support you at home alone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have tried to write but felt unable, I am not really sure who even reads this anymore. Life moves on and the crack that was our tragedy has been filled in and plastered over, perhaps even replaced by newer cracks. Not for us mind you, I am not sure how couples survive this, we are at the moment but long term who knows.</span></div>
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-16003389506119268692013-02-03T16:35:00.001+00:002013-02-03T21:01:37.255+00:00Finding my Muchness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIh5HoUxjyue7in9l4SDomMMLaWLkzIaTZF_mHvEk2Y5eWLqXPT4chISUAXnfsHIBorTIx9ciOYYFv8hvM99Lghd7AQfVVyR7YLM0ZZ-apherm3yuJD-g1vI7-ID2hc0zImxsv_Z5V-WF3/s1600/DSC01802.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIh5HoUxjyue7in9l4SDomMMLaWLkzIaTZF_mHvEk2Y5eWLqXPT4chISUAXnfsHIBorTIx9ciOYYFv8hvM99Lghd7AQfVVyR7YLM0ZZ-apherm3yuJD-g1vI7-ID2hc0zImxsv_Z5V-WF3/s320/DSC01802.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Arenal- Costa Rica. January 2013</td></tr>
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I was having a down day a while back and a friend in Facebook made a comment to me following something that I posted, she felt that I have lost my '<a href="http://findingmymuchness.com/" target="_blank">muchness</a>'. I was like <i>"What an earth was she talking about?"</i> but as curious as always I followed the link and the seed was planted. I had a brief look a the website but felt that I was not ready to embark on all that smiley stuff that it was all well and good reminding me what I was missing but noone on that site has lost as much as me so what did they know?<br />
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But I don't think any of that matters, I realise I could sit here crying about how much I have lost or I could just decide how much I want back. It will take some work and will never overwrite everything that has happened but my life will be long and I want it to be colourful and light not dark and painful. That is why I owe this to myself.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRD6qAoGwIyHJVjn12H3aJ3mYQYBsba8Jg_0sxdXLGwrxVoQavBzDrBsY8MSj6qPsg_8iguOWej2FN3c7aiq0e0h6BMpxeH-hMkgPVKw5oDnyWDuf9QC-hFKJUHL6Um7ZFYBewsoVkgqKe/s1600/625526_10152523131515650_171171895_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRD6qAoGwIyHJVjn12H3aJ3mYQYBsba8Jg_0sxdXLGwrxVoQavBzDrBsY8MSj6qPsg_8iguOWej2FN3c7aiq0e0h6BMpxeH-hMkgPVKw5oDnyWDuf9QC-hFKJUHL6Um7ZFYBewsoVkgqKe/s320/625526_10152523131515650_171171895_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Glitter audit....</td></tr>
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So I embark in a journey that will hinge on glitter. I urge anyone who is in that bitter, dark place to try today to take a peep at the site, just have a read....is it not worth considering? Will you not let this little seed in to let these "Little bits of Light to help you find your way through darkness"....the answer is 'yes'....sign up here: <a href="https://madmimi.com/signups/subscribe/63511" target="_blank">go on</a><br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-75794925541500540512013-01-26T18:31:00.002+00:002013-01-26T18:35:04.514+00:00Guardians of The Urns<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm9YmP-oBMtjXdTt3kXLFBbovwOy3motmPhMbmuD76SICZR2WsPYSsYLfF3XmjEpOwKv92dmGl6S8Mho44xqBk9r2F5ovSPabZRQMoJHWBwODsjAxw9PK58Kmj9QGcJImEplIaysuP-qK9/s1600/DSCN2899.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm9YmP-oBMtjXdTt3kXLFBbovwOy3motmPhMbmuD76SICZR2WsPYSsYLfF3XmjEpOwKv92dmGl6S8Mho44xqBk9r2F5ovSPabZRQMoJHWBwODsjAxw9PK58Kmj9QGcJImEplIaysuP-qK9/s320/DSCN2899.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
I have written about <a href="https://www.facebook.com/BarelyThereBears/posts/548087358549630" target="_blank">Barely There Bears</a> before but I was entirely surprised to have received yet another Guardian for little Santino. He was entirely unexpected but has settled in quite nicely with his brothers guarding my precious little ones. Why are they called <a href="https://www.facebook.com/BarelyThereBears" target="_blank">Barely There</a>? Because they are all super tiny handstitched miracles, exactly like my little ones :) ......the amazing thing is that they are all a tiny bit different, except for the twins who are the same.....<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIC5VvmXEZbOJvhNl7ek1OQp43lphDT85cj2XAX693fndeSLsCJGVqLxiesDITJZPtqmjHy4WwfdDZ5W1qgQivcAIiqEEHJyaRbjHsqPzEicTf3NzFZmdgS6PMDRVsshTfBAK-odsgEpIE/s1600/DSCN2896.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="159" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIC5VvmXEZbOJvhNl7ek1OQp43lphDT85cj2XAX693fndeSLsCJGVqLxiesDITJZPtqmjHy4WwfdDZ5W1qgQivcAIiqEEHJyaRbjHsqPzEicTf3NzFZmdgS6PMDRVsshTfBAK-odsgEpIE/s320/DSCN2896.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE2JNjVxJ4bTvoaElE8bUnb_tsFlo2-UeUW8Sg7cL_7zhYHzE84EzTKk4FgXVK7QSl4cqfoauhqnoMWvV7wCdlVv-WMREMHIANYvgj12nvt0VV9kZVVbBEEhPVpK0PLc8RcdyRqBJhPEWv/s1600/DSCN2897.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE2JNjVxJ4bTvoaElE8bUnb_tsFlo2-UeUW8Sg7cL_7zhYHzE84EzTKk4FgXVK7QSl4cqfoauhqnoMWvV7wCdlVv-WMREMHIANYvgj12nvt0VV9kZVVbBEEhPVpK0PLc8RcdyRqBJhPEWv/s320/DSCN2897.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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And so the quartet is complete......</div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-19816404320543062922013-01-08T04:44:00.002+00:002013-01-08T04:44:21.159+00:00Terrible Twos.......<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My boys are two today.......I am sure they are running around and being terrible in that other unseen place where I can't see them. I content myself imagining this, what else can I do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As every year I dedicate a song to them. Today I play 'Two Little Boys'</span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/HmL3m2zcoOI" width="420"></iframe>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Yes guys you can ask Mama 'why are you playing this?' - and I will answer it is because you are my two little boys, that's why and while the time between when we last saw each other lengthens, I know that the time until I see you again shortens.....until then we love you and will always miss you..... xxx</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-10165036506492823332012-12-24T13:00:00.002+00:002012-12-24T13:00:50.262+00:00Another Christmas, a new realisation<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">Tomorrow is Christmas day. This is the second year that we have not dressed a tree or put up some decorations, it feels hugely misplaced to do so and I simply have no energy to do so alone.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">In most ways this Christmas mirrors the last. Silent house, broken dreams and hopes scattered to the wind. This year however comes with a new consideration and the very real realisation that this may never happen to us. As you grow old with the one you love you can only dote on each other so much on Christmas Day, I understand now why children are important they inject a youth into a life that becomes tired and old.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">But if children never come, what does that mean? Especially if you want them as much we we do? Will every Christmas be like this one, a silent haunting reminder of what we nearly had? A tribute to four sons who we saw but who never saw us? A failed family? If we choose that path what will that signal for our relationship, strained beyond most, even the most reinforced of concrete will eventually crack and crumble if a force keeps battering it. But if we choose, and it must be a choice, to not making Christmas a tribute then what? Somehow you live past it but at the moment I have no idea how.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">The energy expelled in the last few months has finally caught up with me I think, I am so tired I could sleep for a year. Yet I am sitting here with a faint smile and reindeer pattered jumper ready to get up and keep moving as time marches forward which I suppose is really what makes the decision for us both. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">Each day comes and ends and we survive it, then into the next......what can you say to us? How can you support? The most common gesture we get now is that big empty armed shrug from people who agree that there are no words and no excuses for what has happened to us.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">Two years and seven months ago we started to try and make a family. Two years and seven months later we have a family of ashes. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">To all who read this and know the pain may this Christmas pass by and next year bring new hope to brighten your days.....</span></span><br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-45433528807696378052012-12-11T20:35:00.000+00:002012-12-11T20:35:00.841+00:00Do something amazing today..<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yep - you can and all it takes it three minutes of your time. Anyone that knows me knows that I have a friend in Alaska called <a href="http://fortheloveofbabyliam.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank">Becky</a> she needs you to click and vote for her today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By voting she has a chance to win a round of IVF for her and ther gestational surrogate and ultimately a chance to have a baby. After two stillbirths she deserves this and all we need to do is:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Navigate here: <a href="http://haveababy.com/i-believe-video-contest-entries/" target="_blank">"I Believe" Video Contest Entries</a> scroll through to Rasmussen Family - Becky and Dereck.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank you!! xxx</span><br />
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CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4041919906575632346.post-38711664678128713292012-11-28T11:28:00.002+00:002012-11-29T12:46:56.848+00:00Final Goodbye<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We knew this day would come and I had talked to you about it all the time. Little did I know that you had your own plans to make it unique and memorial for us on that wet and windy Wednesday.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No contractions came so even though I knew you had gone on the Sunday it was only on Wednesday that Papa' took us to hospital and they tried to induce you to arrive. I waited all morning and at 3pm only a few tummy pains indicated that something was happening, at 6pm they stopped completely. It was like the sea suddenly going calm, I feared that this was going to be the precursor for real labour to start and braced myself. Held Papa's hand, lay there, waiting.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At 1825hrs you arrived; quickly, silently, painlessly, perfectly. I only had time to turn to Papa and tell him you were coming, there wasn't even enough time to call the midwife. I didn't even push. I didn't need to because you were so kind to me.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ApmWQrofK9IxbMUaQTTIgJRels53T0_fg8eVEGkhPsqwFLoDlxUX-KfEv6SzPSiZYoXiFatyEWxDKF_S8xoMqMPuaUqRzdUsE7pZqnEW3lCJkdf98vA26IMHRLdJq5LCJ-AmU3O8IKba/s1600/DSCN28673.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ApmWQrofK9IxbMUaQTTIgJRels53T0_fg8eVEGkhPsqwFLoDlxUX-KfEv6SzPSiZYoXiFatyEWxDKF_S8xoMqMPuaUqRzdUsE7pZqnEW3lCJkdf98vA26IMHRLdJq5LCJ-AmU3O8IKba/s320/DSCN28673.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mummy holding your perfect little hand.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I held you, I bought a special book and read and sung the lullabies to you. I took photos and the priest came to bless you, we gave you your presents and talked about how perfect your tiny hands and feet were. Your eyes were open but you couldn't see us, that is always the saddest thing, I wanted to show you Papa' because you looked like him. You looked like your brothers too. We will forever miss you Santino, our 'little Saint'.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Someone told me that I have a quartet of angels now and think that is more than enough for anyone. This is not a wonder of modern medicine, I am an example of a mystery. A mystery that has taken my whole family that should otherwise have been here.</span></div>
CBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10310670721379619908noreply@blogger.com12